In Praise of Big Books

Novel Got Plot by Sir Read-a-Lot
(with abject apologies to Sir Mix-a-Lot)

*Late Show Panelist*

Oh my god
Kirsty, look at that plot
It's so big!
It looks like one of those fantasy novels
Who understands those fantasy writers?
They only write like that because they're total geeks
I mean that plot
It's just so big
It's got so many pages
It's just out there
I mean, it's so gross.
Look, it's just so sci-fi

*Sir Read-a-lot*

I like big books and I cannot lie
You other readers can't deny
When the prologue sets out to give a taste
And sticks its story in your face
You get sprung
Wanna read all night
Cuz you know that plot is tight!
I know that the map is vital
I was hooked by the end of the title
Oh I just want to get you in the sack
And read you in hardback
The critics may grit their teeth
But that plot you got
Suspends my disbelief.
Oh book of vast size
You say you wanna get in my cart?
I'll choose yer, choose yer, cuz you aint that average booker
I've seen them bulging
I need indulging
It's long, strong, got it going like donkey kong

I'm tired of magazines
Saying character's the thing
Take the average reader and ask them what
Books got to carry some plot

So writers (yeah) Writers (yeah)
Has your novel got a plot (hell yeah)
Well write it, write it, write it, write it, write that lengthy plot
Novels got plot

(UK cover with a New York binding)

I like'em big and thick
On the bookshelf when I pick
I just can't help myself
I'm a literary animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And UH, snuggle up UH UH
I aint talkin bout no Amis
Because the TLS talks out its a***
I wanna a big long series
So write another sequel
Readalot is your equal
I'll even get the prequal
So I'm watching the Late Show
Knockin' them pundits talking like pros.
You can keep that prose
I'll keep my book with a plot that flows
A word to the trilogy writer
I wanna plot that's tighter
I aint gonna fight yer
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna read yer
Til the break of dawn
Baby stick another sequel on
Alot of critics won't like this song
Cuz them punks get it free and a charge a fee
But I'd rather stay and play
Cuz I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the fiction on

So writers (yeah), writers (yeah)
Do you want a series on HBO? (yeah)
Then turn around
Turn it out
Even Front Row got to shout
Novel got plot.

(UK cover with a New York binding)

Yeah baby
When it comes to novels
The broadsheets got nothing to do with my selection
Two hundred and fifty thousand words
But only if its part one!

So your best friend writes a Booker
Bout a middle aged man and a hooker
His Booker aint got no gas in his cooker
My kindle don't want a lot unless you got plot, clot!
You can do philosophy or aesops, but please don't lose that plot.
Some writers wanna play that role.
And tell you that the plot ain't gold
So they say that they're post-modern
They don't know what's going on
So the critics say you're hacks
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your print is small and your word counts kickin
And I'm thinkin bout stickin
To the English majors in the magazines
The point of books your missing
Give me a brick I like them thick
Because than that story will stick
Some knucklehead tried to dis
Cuz Atwood's on my list
He can chat his shit on Newsnight
But that don't mean what he says is right
So writers if the plot is compelling
And you wanna your books be selling
Dial 1-900 READALOT
Novel got plot
Novel got plot
Saggy in the middle but it got much plot x4


Translation for the non-British: the TLS is the Times Literary Supplement, the Late Show and Front Row are cultural arts review programmes on BBC2 and BBC Radio 4 and Newsnight is flagship news magazine programme on BBC2 whose most famous presenter once told Margaret Atwood that Oryx and Crake was not Science Fiction because it had real science in it.