Get Yourself Free

I was once again contemplating the problem of pushy minor characters and how they can encrust the bottom of your narrative like barnacles when this particular earworm arrrived in my head and refused to leave. Because misery loves company I publish it for your delectation.

With apologies to Paul "Gundwani" Simon.

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways
To ditch your character.

She said remember you’re the author
of your work
And playing god with them has
Always been a perk
You don’t want imaginary people
Treating you just like a jerk
There must be fifty ways
To kill your character

[CHORUS]
Just nuke them from space, Grace
Make a new plot, Dot
Pretend they got lost, Joss
Just get yourself free
Put em on a bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just let them fade, Jade
And get yourself free

It really is pathetic that your own
creations cause you pain
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again
I said I appreciate that
If you’d just repeat the refrain
About the fifty ways…

She said why don't we both
Just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning
You'll begin to see the light
And then she edited the chapter
And I realised that she was right
There must be fifty ways
To kill your character.

[CHORUS 2]
You just stab them in the back, Jack
Get them all hitched, Rich
Don’t need to justify, Tye
Just get yourself free
Let them ascend, Brend
It don’t need to make sense much.
Put them in a coma, Rona
And get yourself free.

[CHORUS 3]
Have them fall ill. Jill
Stuff them in fridge, Bridge
Have a psycho make a call, Paul
And get yourself rid.
Marry them off, Joff
You don’t have to explain much
Nail them to a tree, Dee
And get yourself free.