Temporarily Significant

The Long Term Blather Forecast

2012-02-03T06:00:00.013Z

Rivers of London will be published in French translation by J'ai Lu on the 14th of March. I'll post the cover as soon as I see it.

On the 20th of March I will be attending a School Awards Ceremony in Tunbridge Wells.

Whispers Under Ground will be released in the UK on the 21st of June. Around that time there will be a plethora of signings including, I hope, more outside London if Gollancz and/or local bookshops think demand is there.

I will be taking part in the Harrogate Crime Writers Festival some time between the 19th and the 22nd of July.

As yet I do not have a firm date for the release of Whispers Under Ground in the US but I doubt it will be any later than the UK release.

Currently Reading: Research....well mostly research.

2012-02-01T06:00:00.019Z

The internet has it's limitations, I love wikipedia and I don't even want to think about life before Google Earth but sometimes you have to dig into some books. These are the current crop for the research phase of Book 4 (and some for Book 5).

A Home of Their Own, a history of Battersea Dog's Home by Garry Jenkins. The first home was actually off the Holloway Road. I've just done a research trip there where I took lots of notes and utterly failed to ask any of the questions I now realise I needed to ask.

Gangs of London: 100 Years of Mob Warfare by Brian McDonald. What's it about? It's about flower arranging isn't it? You f**cking muppet!

Starting with a Dissapointment

2012-01-30T06:00:00.073Z

The downside to the wham episode cliffhanger season closer is that, when the new season finally rolls around, you have to sit through a dull opening episode. Or at least I think it's dull, the Evil Monster Boy tends to shout 'best episode ever' and rewind to make me watch anything I've missed.

I put up with this behaviour by telling myself that he's only sixteen and, besides, in a few years be living somewhere else(1). I don't blame writers and producers for wanting to have wham episodes but like much in television these days it seems to have become a requirement rather than a joy. The problem is that the real appeal of a TV series(2) is spending quality time with fictional characters you like. This involves building a consensus reality that the viewer can slip into once a week with an expectation that they're going to get more of the same.

A wham episode by definition blows this all to shit so that you spend the summer wondering what the fudge is going to happen next. That's one source of dissapointment but now the consensus has been shattered it means that the primary role of the season opener is to recreate that consensus - everything else, story, character and plausibility are secondary. This is why they often feel unsatisfactory.

Sometimes that have to spend two episodes putting humpty dumpty back together(3) which just doubles the tedium. So please, for the love of god, can we skip the wham episode this season.

(1) No doubt I will be sad and lonesome without him but at least I'll be able to fast forward through the dull bits of season openers.
(2) British TV hardly ever makes proper TV series any more so the art form is mainly confined to the US and, oddly, Denmark.
(3) Often taking the opportunity to remove any troublesomely popular POC characters and replace with them with skinny redheads.

Currently Reading: The Languages of Pao

2012-01-27T06:00:00.008Z

Those of you who follow my current reading blog may have noticed that a fair amount Jack Vance creeping in. This is because Gollancz's excellent SF Gateway site has allowed me to revisit, at a reasonable price, the books of my youth but also books that I never had a chance to read. I'm looking forward to some classic early work by Ian Watson and John Brunner but for now I am satiating myself on Jack Vance.

The Languages of Pao was written in 1958 so counts amongst his very earliest work and it will be interesting to see how much of the distinctive Vancian voice had developed by then.

Sea, Sand and....Science Fiction

2012-01-25T06:00:00.006Z

Next weekend I shall be off to spend another glorious weekend by the sea courtesy of SFX Magazine who, no doubt worried they'd miss their fat middle aged geek quota, have invited me to attend. So it's off to the legendary seaside paradise of Prestatyn from the 3rd to the 5th.

My itinary is not yet fixed but I can say that I will be signing books at the Forbidden Planet table at 5pm on Friday (my current record for the largest number of people asking for my autograph last year was six - I'm hoping to beat that this year). On Saturday at 11am I will be on a panel with much more famous people to talk about Urban Fantasy. At some point I will be hosting a Q&A with Sylvestor McCoy and Sophie Aldred. In between those engagements I'll be wandering around aimlessly, drinking in the pub and available to sign books - especially if they're ones I've written.(1)

(1) I'm perfectly happy to sign books that other people have written but I feat that that might be somewhat pointless.

A Year of Reviews

2012-01-23T06:00:00.151Z

It's been a year and a bit since my first non tie-in novel was published and I've read a lot of reviews. I tried not to but I could no more resist them than I could a jumbo sized packet of chocolate covered peanuts. And like the chocolate peanuts I don't think devouring them did me much good but what you going to do?

To commemorate I thought I'd blog some of my favourite review quotes; the criteria being not whether they were favourable or damning but whether they stood out in some way - fun, insightful, clueless, zany or just plain incomprehensible.

Short and Sweet

London. Police. Wizards. Love. (I want this on a T-shirt)
Way better than most of the paranormal police procedurals out there, but from me that's like saying this is the most enjoyable open heart surgery. (Lovely image)
Loved it until page 304, then lost me completely at page 382. (Wonderfully specific)
I f**king love this book. (Hic. you're my best friend aintcha)
DNF. One-word review: tedious.(FOYIC)
I suggest you start reading this book without knowing a thing about it. (Too Late)
sexist author is sexist (I was tempted to respond 'Lazy critic is lazy' but I've been told not to do stuff like that.)

Peter Grant...

...a mixed-race hero - hurrah!
...struck me more like a preppie than a police officer...
There is no Ron or Hermione...
I love his slightly different background and POV!
...seemed to sort of bumble around and take his queues from the other characters instead of standing on his own.
...is a little wooden, although likeable...
...adorable, feisty, and at times completely clueless.
...(and hot…. Peter Grant? Come on, you totally would.)
Sadly, the main character is a bit of a Nice Guy & far too much time is spent going on about women who wont shag him...
...he's not divorced, he's not bitter, he's not lonely, he's not white.
...I think Harry might have been a bit more competent than Peter Grant is.
...no self respecting mixed race person that would ever describe themselves as "a little bit ethnic". I promise you that would get ad-lib if it were on TV.
Had Harry Potter been this boring, I would have rooted for Voldemort.

London...

If the book had included a map this might have been a little bit easier.
I found the geography lessons more interesting than the plot...
Just a shame his UK publisher titled it Rivers Of London. Almost didn't pick it up, thinking it was actually about the rivers of London.
As a native Londoner this book makes me homesick.

The women...

I really could have done without the stereotypical lesbian - because all lesbians look like men and have hair that looks like a bicycle helmet, ya know...
...women aren't just breasts and vaginas, which the narrator and the world of the book often seems to forget.
...his approach to female characters verged on misogynistic (really!)...
...a somewhat magical woman, associated with the River Thames, starts out as a sexy love interest, ends traded to a group of magical country rubes, perhaps as a sex willing concubine.

The Author...

...it seems that this series will be a repository for all his ideas that wouldn't make it into Doctor Who in a month of Sundays - even the Torchwood team would balk at many of them.
...I'm thinking the author might have some unconscious issues with women.
...is far more interested in jazz and the architecture of London than he is on magic, policework, action, sex, or anything else...

The story is...

...definitely a little strange.
I found myself alternately getting bored enough to contemplate giving up, then getting to an action scene that was interesting enough to give me hope that the rest of the book would hold my attention. Unfortunately the slow parts-then-good stuff pattern would then repeat itself...
I didn't know what was going on half of the time.
The plotting is a little herky-jerky at times...
...started out as a fantastic crooked little adventure and ended muddled and boring.
...loafs along with the easy inevitability of Agatha Christie mystery.
...good and boring at same time.
An average Urban Fantasy that is more concerned with London than story or magic or anything else really...
...A fun and intertaining Torchwoodesque story.
Pap, but enjoyable, well-crafted pap.
An unremarkable book full of remarkable things.(1)
It was a bit too swift in places which made following the details of the case difficult.
...a fun, quirky book which is light to read and yet still sinister.
...an innocent will not want to read these books. But, they are fun.
This is a fun and entertaining book that is trying really hard to be even more fun and entertaining than it is.

And as for the style...

The paragraph lengths (very, very long) are also daunting.
The prose isn't perfect - I do wish Mr Aaronovitch had used a few more semicolons and a few less commas...
I don't see how it's different from Anita Blake or The Dresden Files, except for the exotic british slang.
I'm still not sure I approve of how often Google & YouTube were mentioned.
...a concoction consisting of the humor of Terry Pratchett, a dice of Neil Gaiman's characters and plot and finally a fixer kind of guy and supernatural goings on from Jim Butcher.
Is this fine literature? No. Is it well written? Not particularly.
As one who prefers good and[sic] grammar to bad and loathes "metrication" very deeply, this does not appeal.
Like a Mark Billingham rewritten by Robert Rankin.
More popcorn for the mind...

DISAPPOINTED!(2)

Judging by the book blurb and author quotes on the cover, this book seemed like it should have been something I'd enjoy, but I have to say I was disappointed.
I’m not ready for another trip into the fairy world.
The humour evaporates, as does the novelty...
...I initially judged the book by the cover and thought this was going to be written more seriously than it was.
I can't see much resemblense[sic] to it and for me Dresden Files is a lot more funnier written than Midnight Riot.
Disappointing, particularly so given the 4-star average rating. ...The world-building is lacking and inconsistent, actions taken seem out of character, and the ending was a confusing, muddled mess. The Dresden Files this ain't. ...Aaronovitch has several prior books under his belt - most of which seem to be TV novelizations. Never a good sign. No clue how this book has the rating it does.
So boring. Everything from the magic to the characters is paper thin and barely explored.
It was just depressing that the character discovers magic is real but it's directed towards hurting people & quarreling.
I'll give the second book a chance and hope it explains some of the nonsense in this one.
...i found the characters very shallow and couldn't get to grip with them, i kept losing track of the plot, eventually i gave up.
It was perhaps unfair to read a book with such lofty expectations...
...it reminded me too much of China Mieville's Kraken - and reminded me how much more I'd enjoyed that.
...the story itself would fit nicely into a TV procedural without too much grief. And I don't mean a season finale level episode either, more like the last episode before sweeps start.
I was completely willing to go along with it, until the resolution suspended my disbelief from a very high bridge.
I can't say too much about this book as I gave up after 140 pages...
I picked up Rivers of London expecting to fall in love, but unfortunately I just didn't.
I am a fan of Harry Potter and this book is certainly not the adult version.
It's ridiculous story line made me so angry that I couldn't bare it any longer. I am a fan of Harry Potter and this book is certainly not the adult version.
...read like a verbal A toZ of london with a ridiculous storyline relying on time travel, magic, and the existance of Gods of the Thames.
...plot and characters aren't very original. Wizards and magic - see Harry Potter. Super cop and side kick - see Doctor Who. Even one of the most original characters, Mama Thames, reminded me of The Oracle from The Matrix!!
We read conversation after conversation at location after location, and when things do happen, they are not very interesting.
The concept is great, the story imaginative - the writing however, is awful.

Ewww! It's just too.... British.

The most difficult thing for me with the book was that Aaronovitch used a lot of British slang that I wasn’t familiar with.
I did have a little trouble with the London slang, but I still enjoyed the book.
My main complaint it that it was definitely geared toward a UK/London audience.
My "issue" with this book is COMPLETELY PERSONAL. I'm not familiar with British writing -- I'm too comfortable with American style. So like 75% of reading this book, I totally don't "get" it. It's hard to enjoy the story when I don't feel comfortable with the language. It's like I'm looking on these words but they don't mean anythin to me. It's totally my own failure, I know, and should not reflect the quality of the book.

(1) This is one of my favourites and led to me spending a week saying things like "This is an indigestible plate covered in digestible things."
(2) Try to imagine Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda.

I Fiumi Di Londra

2012-01-18T06:00:00.011Z

I Fiumi Di Londra - otherwise known as Rivers of London will be published in translation by Silvia Tiles by Fanucci on the 19th January 2012.

This follows hard on the heels of the German edition and means, once the French edition is released this spring, that not speaking English will cease to be an excuse for not buying my book across a large swathe of Europe.

I'm told that Spanish and Hungarian editions are also in the works.

The D-Word: Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Honey and Mustard Salad Dressing

2012-01-16T07:00:00.000Z

This year I started my last ditch attempt to move from my current BMI of YOU PORKY BASTARD(1) to a BMI of YOU FAT SLOB(2) by the end of the year(3). To do this I'm combining everything I've learnt from 35 years of unsuccessful dieting and blogging about it because if I'm going to have to obsess about this subject I don't see why you guys should be let off the hook. Today I'm going to ~~bore you~~ talk about priorities especially when it comes to what you do and don't put in your gob(4).

I have already asserted that the way to lose weight is to eat less (and healthier), we all know this and yet find it really fucking hard to do. This is because all the tastiest most appealing food is very fattening. Now this is the point where some odiously thin person says words to the effect of "oh but I find carrots so much tastier than chocolate" and I say " well of course you fucking do that's why you're thin - duh!" And why are you reading this blog anyway you skinny little wretch come to gloat at the fatties have you? You sods will be the first against the wall....

Moving on.

I suspect (and I'm hoping to prove to my personal satisfaction) that it is better to prioritise eating habits that will contribute to your goal of eating less (and healthier) overall rather than obsessing about every individual food stuff. Enter one bottle of Hellman's Honey and Mustard Salad Dressing.

According to the label each bottle contains 428 kcal which is a lot. Your dietician will counsel you to avoid such heinously fatty, salty, sugary, spawn-of-the-devil food and perhaps try the low fat, low calorie alternative. So what if it tastes vile, it's salad dressing isn't it? Maybe if you eat it for ten years you might start to get used to the taste. As the Russians say 'A man can get used to hanging if hangs long enough.'

This is a perfect example of why most diets are doomed. In your dieticians mind the alternative to a lovely bowl of salad with delicious dressing is a lovely bowl of salad without dressing but we all know that the real alternative, over the long run, is a MARS BAR. Sad but true. So lets look at this rationally.

A bowl of salad composed of tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber and whatever else is good for you and, for all intents and purposes, calorie free. It would be good for me to eat one of these at least once a day. I'm very generous with the salad dressing I like to slop it all over so lets say I use a third each time that's 142 kcal. Now that's quite a lot of calories but if I throw in an egg or half a tin of tuna and maybe a slice of bread and I'm still bringing in a meal at less than 400 kcal(5). Most importantly it's a meal that I can look forward too, again and again over the long term.

Now I will be dealing with issues around making healthy food tastier in a later blog provisionally titled Your Nut Roast Is A Thing of Beauty But I'm Still Dying For a Big Mac so I don't want to hear about how much you've learnt to love salad without dressing - I don't care. I think this will work for me and probably a lot of other desperate fat people out there. We'll find out if I'm right some time in the mid 2030s.

Dieticians and health professionals like to hedge their bets. They know us well enough to know that if they give us any wriggle room we shall wriggle out of it. So they advise avoiding foods that are high in calories and fat across the board. Some of this advice is very useful, grill rather than fry, up your intake of green vegetables and don't stuff your face with cake.

But in the long term it's going to be you making a hundred decisions a day for the rest of your life and there really is no point making it more difficult than it has to be. So if the price of choosing salad over a Mars Bar is 128 kcal of Honey and Mustard Salad Dressing then that's a good deal. Don't eat the Mars Bar have the salad with the dressing, the liver of your dietician and a nice chianti. Fefefefefe!

(1) Actually it's 54 which is almost off the scale of some calculators.
(2) 120 kg which will give me a BMI of 34.9 which still counts as obese.
(3) My healthy BMI weight is supposed to 84kg which is just silly, I've been a healthy weight, with muscle definition and everything and I didn't drop below 95kg to get there.
(4) Mouth.
(5) Remember I'm running a diet in which I disregard calories for non-starchy vegetables and fruit but aim at 1800 kcal a day so 400 kcal leaves me lots of wriggle room.

Rivers of London Covers Nominated For A Pornokitsch

2012-01-16T06:00:00.013Z

Every writer dreams of having a good cover for his ~~baby~~ novel and I was very lucky when Patrick Knowles combined a swirly tentacled font with Stephen Walter's fantastic rendition of London's psychogeography to create an immediately distinctive and enticing cover for mine. Many a time I have been approached by customers who've bought the book on the basis of the cover alone.

So it is entirely fitting that the equally splendidly designed Pornokitsch site has nominated that cover for an Inky Tentacle with the winner to be announced at the SFX Weekender in February.

For Absolutely No Reason At All Here Are the Top Twenty Selling Debut UK Fiction Hardbacks of 2011

2012-01-12T17:17:00.001Z

This list of the Top Selling UK Fiction Début Hardbacks of 2011 is reproduced by me for no ulterior motive beyond a keen desire to inform the book buying public.

1. BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP SJ Watson

2. THE NIGHT CIRCUS Eric Morgenstern

3. THE POWER OF SIX Pittacus Lore

4. NEW BEGINNINGS Fern Britton

5. A DISCOVERY OF WITCHES Deborah Harkness

6. RIVERS OF LONDON Ben Aronovitch

7. WHEN GOD WAS A RABBIT Sarah Winman

8. THE HYPNOTIST Lars Kepler

9. SANCTUS Simon Toyne

10. THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS Vanessa Diffenbaugh

11. THE TIGER'S WIFE Tea Obreht

12. TRIBUNE OF ROME Robert Fabbri

13. HEREWARD James Wilde

14. MISS PEREGRIN'S HOME ... Ransom Riggs

15. SNOWDROPS AD Miller

16. ANNABEL Kathleen Winter

17. RSVP Helen Warner

18. PRINCE OF THORNS

19. THE SONG OF ACHILLES Madeline Miller

20. DOLLHOUSE Kardashian sisters

Currently Reading: Chavs & The Book of Dreams

2012-01-11T06:00:00.029Z

I've never been comfortable with the term "chav". It wasn't in use when I was growing up and it was struck me as an incredibly snobby term. This perception is not helped by the fact that most of the people I've heard use it personally are fully paid up members of the privately educated top 1%.

The Book of Dreams is the last volume in Jack Vance's Demon Princes sequence. Fortunately when I've finished this there are plenty more Jack Vance novels left to read - some, amazingly, that I haven't read already.

Whispers Under Ground - 21st June 2012

2012-01-10T18:25:00.001Z

Gollancz have confirmed to me that the UK release date of Whispers Under Ground will be the 21st June 2012. I know some of you are impatient so I thought I'd give you a little taster....

1: Tufnell Park

Back in the summer I’d made the mistake of telling my mum what I did for a living. Not the police bit, which of course she already knew about having been at my graduation from Hendon, but the stuff about me working for the branch of the Met that dealt with the supernatural. My mum translated this in her head to ‘witchfinder’ which was good because my mum, like most West Africans, considered witchfinding a more respectable profession than policeman. Struck by an unanticipated burst of maternal pride she proceeded to outline my new career path to her friends and relatives, a body I estimate to comprise at least twenty percent of the expatriate Sierra Leonean community currently resident in the UK. This included Alfred Kamara who lived on the same estate as my mum and through him his thirteen year old daughter Abigail. Who decided, on the last Sunday before Christmas, that she wanted me to go look at this ghost she’d found. She got my attention by pestering my mum to the point where she gave in and rang me on my mobile.

I wasn’t best pleased because Sunday is one of the few days I don’t have morning practice on the firing range and I was planning a nice lie-in followed by football in the pub.

‘So where’s this ghost?’ I asked when Abigail opened her front door.

‘How come there’s two of you?’ asked Abigail. She was a short skinny mixed race girl with light skin that had gone winter sallow.

‘This is my colleague Lesley May,’ I said.

Abigail stared suspiciously at Lesley. ‘Why are you wearing a mask?’ she asked.

‘Because my face fell off,’ said Lesley.

Abigail considered this for a moment and then nodded. ‘Okay,’ she said.

‘So where is it?’ I asked.

‘It’s a he,’ said Abigail. ‘He’s up at the school.’

‘Come on then,’ I said.

‘What, now?’ she said. ‘But it’s freezing.’

‘We know,’ I said. It was one of those dull grey winter days with the sort of sinister cold wind that keeps on finding ways through the gaps in your clothes. ‘You coming or not?’

She gave me the patented stare of the belligerent thirteen year old but I wasn’t her mother or a teacher. I didn’t want her to do something, I wanted to go home and watch the football.

‘Suit yourself,’ I said and turned away.

‘Wait up,’ she said. ‘I’m coming.’

I turned back in time for the door to be slammed in my face.

The D-Word

2012-01-09T06:00:00.028Z

Ninety percent of what is written about diets is total bollocks. If you want to lose weight then you've got to eat less and exercise more. This diet tweeted to me recently is a case in point, miracle foods pah! I laugh at miracle foods, I pour scorn on your pseudo-scientific bollocks and I certainly ain't going to pay over the odds for them. For one thing one of the few immediate benefits of a diet is that you save money on food.

Tips for the friends and family of fat people...

1) If you think that a fat person goes through life blissfully unaware of their weight - think again. Every time we don't fit into a seat, get short of breath going up some stairs, get called a fat cunt by a random stranger is a reminder. Every little public humiliation at turnstiles, narrow doorways and mirrors reminds us that we are fat(1). Do not feel you have to remind us every time you see us how much porkier we've got, we know, and if you keep doing it we're going to start avoiding you (just like we do mirrors).

2) If you really want to help ask your fat friend what help they need and then give it. The only way to lose weight is to make a sustained change in lifestyle, you cannot force someone to do that you can only help at the margins. If you feel the words "we need to make an intervention" appearing on your lips I cordially invite you to put a sensitive part of your anatomy in a mangle and turn the handle.

Tips for fat people.

Note I'm talking to fat people here not you smug bastards with your "oh I've got a roll of fat on my belly I've just put so much weight". The basic resting state for a first world human being is plump live with it.

1) You're going to have to change what you eat - sorry.

2) Lose weight for yourself not for other people. Use whatever method works for you over the long term.

3) As far as I know the best way to lose weight is to keep a daily food diary (see psychological tricks).

4) Eat some fruit and some vegetables every day, avoid chocolate and sweets.

5) I really mean it about the chocolate and sweets.

6) Weigh yourself once a week and make sure you record it accurately but don't feel you have to share this information (see 7)

7) It is much easier to lie to other people than it is to yourself (think about it). It's always tempting to hive off the responsibility for keeping yourself on the straight and narrow to a friend or family member. Then you lie to them about your weight and... I don't need to tell you what happens you've probably done this already - probably more than once.

8) Some people put on weight easier than other people. What can I say? Life's unfair. Other people's eating habits are not your responsibility (unless you're a parent of course).

Psychological Tricks

1) Blame, guilt, shame - none of these are helpful.

2) Decide roughly what kind of weight would suit you, be honest about it. I'm currently 186 kg and for me anything under 120 kg would be gravy. Now I may change my mind when I get there but merely being fat rather than unable to fly economy class in an airplane is my current goal.

3) Do it for yourself - tell everyone else to shut the fuck up.

4) Find the worst offender - ie: chocolate, cake, deep fried Mars Bars - and stop eating it.

5) I don't count calories on fruit or vegetables because I don't eat enough of them as it is. That gives me one less thing to worry about and an incentive to eat healthily.

6) The food diary is for you and you alone. If people try to step in and regulate your diary tell them to fuck off. Your body, your decisions, your diet.

In Summery

These women would be considered too porky for a lead TV role!

1. Do not measure yourself by the people you see on the TV, they are professionals who are paid to sustain an arduous and ultimately unhealthy lifestyle in order to create the illusion that the normal state for a human being is just this side of famished. Think of it as stunt work, it looks impressive but you wouldn't want to try it at home.

2. There are health problems associated with being fat, Type 2 diabetes, an increased risk of this that and the other and you become more attractive to members of the big cat family(2). If you are fat than you will probably face some of these problems and you need to factor that into your decision. However nobody I know has ever scared themselves thin.

3. It's unfair but the food industry is working really hard to make you as fat as possible. Most of easily available tasty stuff is hideously fatty, sugary and god-knows-what-elsey. I hope this will change one day but until it does you should behave as if the food industry has embarked on a conspiracy to make you morbidly obese. They haven't of course, you're far to insignificant for that, but the behavioural outcome is the same.

4. Eat less overall. Eat fruit and vegetables. Avoid chocolate and sweets.

5. Do some exercise - even if it's just half an hour's walk each day.

6. Did I mention that you need to eat less food? Right - moving on.

7. Find what works for you - stick to it.

8. Do not try to hive off responsibility for monitoring your food or weight to other people. You're going to have to be doing this for the rest of your life so you have to take responsibility for it yourself. Besides are you a grown up or not?

9. Human beings live complicated interconnected lives and we cannot control a great deal of what happens to us but sure as fuck most of us can control what gets put in our mouth. Take control of your life, if you want to be fatter eat more, if you want to be less fat then eat less.

10. Everybody knows all this really - it's just a bugger to put into practise.

---------
(1) By the way if none of this applies to you - you're either not fat or are living in such an enviable state of cosmic bliss that I wouldn't want you to change on my behalf.
(2) As food dummy.

Current Reading: The Face

2012-01-04T06:00:00.002Z

I took advantage of the SF Gateway special offer over the Christmas period to stock up on some old favourites on my kindle. Amongst them were the last two of the Demon Princes novels by Jack Vance; The Face and The Book of Dreams.

The beauty of Jack Vance's prose is in its wit and its understated elegance. Consciously anachronistic even when it was written in 1979 it exhibits a timeless appeal in much the same way that Bradbury does.

Vance's cool, strangely fragile, protagonists have to negotiate their way across some gorgeously delineated landscapes and cultures. They are as likely to settle their disputes through verbal dexterity as violence which makes them a refreshing change from the hyper-violent ubermensch that populate modern SF (angst ridden or not).

The December TV Character Ethnicity Report

2012-01-02T06:00:00.003Z

I suspect that at least two of the three people read my blog will recognise this post as a continuation of grand excuse for procrastination the Monthly Fictional Criminal Report. If you want to know what all that was about and think you can stay awake long enough than an explanation is here.

The programs stacked up as follows...

%NW = the percentage of non-regular characters who were non-white

%WC = the percentage of non-regular white characters who were criminals.
%NWC = the percentaged of non-regular non-white characters who were criminals.

Show Episodes %NW %WC %NWC
Prime Suspect 3 21% 42% 56%
Burn Notice 3 16% 43% 50%
Blue Bloods 1 0% 67% 0%
Person of Interest 2 47% 25% 21%
Once Upon A Time 2 8% 0% 0%
Leverage 4 25% 44% 78%
The Closer 4 19% 28% 86%
Castle 1 0% 80% 0%
Hawaii 5.0 2 30% 32% 63%
Hart of Dixie 1 25% 0% 0%
CSI 2 18% 36% 33%
Law and Order: SVU 1 31% 44% 25%
The Mentalist 2 15% 13% 75%
Grimm 3 8% 38% 0%
Unforgettable 1 8% 8% 0%

Because of the low number of episodes involved I don't think we can draw any conclusions from the individual tallies yet.

Overall the figures 32 episodes are this...

White Non-Regulars no. %group %total
Non-differentiated 17 7% 5%
Sympathetic 134 51% 41%
Unsympathetic 25 10% 8%
Sympathetic Criminal 14 5% 4%
Unsympathetic Criminal 39 15% 12%
Vicious Criminal 3 1% 1%
Career Criminal 29 11% 9%

Total White non regulars 261 characters 79% of total

Non-White Non-Regulars no. %group %total
Non-differentiated 5 7% 2%
Sympathetic 23 33% 7%
Unsympathetic 8 12% 2%
Sympathetic Criminal 2 3% 1%
Unsympathetic Criminal 5 7% 2%
Vicious Criminal - 0% 0%
Career Criminal 26 38% 8%

Total non-white non regulars 69 characters 21% of total

White Criminals 33% of white non-regular characters
Black Criminals 48% of non-white non-regular characters

My instinct is that the majority of series will settle at a 80/20 split white/non-white with a third of all white characters and half of all non-white characters criminals of various stripes.

We shall see.

Remember this is not an academic study and is merely done out of curiosity on mine and my friends part. I'd love someone to do a second by second, line by line racial analysis of non-soap drama in the US (and the UK for that matter) - I suspect the producers would come out looking even worse but I can't prove it.

What I Told The Students

2011-12-12T06:00:00.000Z

I was recently asked to give a seminar to some creative writing students on the subject of being an author. Fortunately this is one of the few subjects that falls within the limited area of my expertise(1) so I wandered across the river to Twickenham and faced up to a terrifying collection of ridiculously fit and healthy young people.

This is what I told them. None of it's particularly original but hey it's not like you're paying for this stuff.

1. You Must Make Time To Write

The world is full of people who say they have a book inside them but fortunately for us professionals only 0.001% ever bother to write the fucker down. If you don't write you're not a writer and if you can't find time to write then you obviously don't want to be a writer.(2)

2. You Must Complete What You Start

If you find that you've written the first ten thousand words of more than three novels then you should seriously consider switching to short stories. The first bit of a novel is like the first bit of a bridge - you have to start somewhere but without the rest it's a waste of time(3).

3. You Must Become The Arbiter Of Your Own Work

You cannot rely on other people to validate your work. You must learn to judge the quality of your own writing for yourself. The best way to do this is to read some writing that you find substandard and ask whether your work is better than that? High art is all very well as an aspiration but clarity and readability(4) make a good solid floor.

4. Your Must Experience The Wider World

You need to constantly expand your experience of the world. You can do this through travelling, reading, talking to people, visiting places or just using your imagination to create new places, people and situations. This is one of the most important aspects of being a writer without which you will never transcend the narrow confines of your own life(5). Make a point of learning the names of everyday objects, readers can get away with a vague sense of a lintel but you need to know for certain so you can use it properly.

I could probably bang on about all these subjects for many more pages but there's paid work I'm supposed to be doing so that's your lot.

(1) The other subjects are; shelving, watching TV and... nope that's pretty much it.
(2) Obviously this applies mainly to people living a 1st world lifestyle.
(3) Or a diving board.
(4) Unless you want to win the Man Booker of course.
(5) I don't know about you guys but if I found my life interesting I wouldn't be writing about other people.

Schwarzer Mond Uber Soho

2011-12-06T21:24:00.002Z

Black Moon Over Soho
I don't know why it's a black moon but the covers good and it's in German and that's the main thing. Here is the blurb... I have no idea what it says.

Constable Peter Grant ist ein ganz normaler Londoner Bobby. Die Abteilung, in der er arbeitet, ist allerdings alles andere als normal: ihr Spezialgebiet ist - die Magie. Peters Vorgesetzter, Detective Inspector Thomas Nightingale, ist der letzte Magier Englands und Peter seit kurzem bei ihm in der Ausbildung.

Was im Moment vor allem das Auswendiglernen von Lateinvokabeln bedeutet, die uralten Zaubersprüche wollen schließlich korrekt aufgesagt werden. Doch als Peter eines Nachts zu der Leiche eines Jazzmusikers gerufen wird, verliert das Lateinstudium auf einmal seine Dringlichkeit. Peter findet heraus, dass in den Jazzclubs in Soho, im Herzen Londons, plötzlich verdächtig viele Musiker eines unerwarteten Todes sterben. Hier geht etwas nicht mit rechten Dingen zu ...

The November Fictional Criminal Report

2011-12-05T06:00:00.001Z

Welcome to the third and last monthly fictional criminal report. The question, are black criminals more likely to be portrayed as career criminals than white criminals in a completely arbitrary selection of US TV series, has been answered with a firm yes. Here are the monthly totals...

Type: Number (percentage of group/percentage of total)

White American: 51
Sympathetic: 8 (16%/10%)
Unsympathetic: 12 (24%/15%)
Vicious: 5 (10%/6%)
Career: 26 (51%/33%)

Non-white American: 20
Sympathetic: - (-/-)
Unsympathetic: 8 (40%/10%)
Vicious: - (-/-)
Career: 12 (60%/15%)

The number of foreign criminals has been so consistantly low that I've stopped recording and in the next evaluation foreigners will be folded in with the American characters.

The totals for the three month period are as follows.

White American: 172
Sympathetic: 24 (14%)
Unsympathetic: 50 (29%)
Vicious: 23 (15%)
Career: 73 (42%)

Non-white American: 50
Sympathetic: 5 (10%)
Unsympathetic: 9 (18%)
Vicious: 1 (2%)
Career: 35 (70%)

These proportions were remarkably consistant across the various shows with only the Mentalist and Blue Bloods showing equal proportions of career criminals in both white and black.

Starting in December we will be folding the foreigners into the main figures and counting all non-regular characters in a slightly wider range of shows.

Die Flusse von London

2011-11-26T17:07:00.002Z

You can now download a sample of the German text of Rivers of London (Midnight Riot) at the DTV website here.

The sample is a pdf accessed by clicking on Druckansicht (PDF) near the bottom of the page. Also available is a flyer for impressing your German friends with and a big image of the cover which I think is rather splendid.

According to the website publication is January 2012 which I shall confirm when DTV give me a firm date.

Hang on a Moment

2011-11-26T15:31:00.002Z

I frequent cry I hear during the Leveson Inquiry is that the public were as much to blame as the press - after all are we not celebrity obsessed. Is this not what drove the law abiding journalists to stoop to such low and immoral acts.

I call bollocks(1). The News of the World had a circulation of 2.8 million and the adult population of the UK is 51 million so that means that only 5% of adults bought the paper. This does not constitute a majority. Even if 3 people avidly read the paper (by presumably nicking it off the guy who did buy it) then that's still 20% - still not a majority.

I'm not saying that there's not a market for celebrity gossip but I'm increasingly doubtful that the culture is quite as celebrity obsessed as the media likes to believe. Certainly the media is celebrity obsessed but then they're drawn from a narrow demographic already(2).

So next time that someone insists that 'we're to blame' ask them if they can prove it.

(1) That's bullshit in American.
(2) Not going to go there.

Currently Reading

2011-11-16T06:00:00.002Z

I'm currently reading two books; Estates: An Intimate History by Lynsey Hanley as part of my background research for book 4 and Darkness and the Devil Behind Me by Persia Williams because I've always been interested in the Harlem Renaissance but have never really had time to do any research.

I know that Nightingale was 'working' in New York in that era and I've seriously considered a short story based there but I haven't found a 'voice' for the piece yet.

There really is nothing half as good as a well researched historical thriller for painlessly imparting historical information. Providing you hit the books before you actually use any of it.

The Joy of Rewrites

2011-11-14T06:00:00.010Z

You want your rewrites! I've got your rewrites right HERE!

Like many writers I approach the prospect of rewriting my work with emotions that run the gamut from fierce dislike to fear and loathing. Nobody I know likes to rewrite, particularly to order, and those that do need to be kept under observation. Remember the strange guy who's neighbour's say (while the police dig up his back garden) he seemed like such quiet man, kept himself to himself? That's the kind of person who likes doing rewrites.

The reason for disliking rewrites are reasonable and sound. In the first instance my work was perfect when I handed it in - you can't improve upon perfection and thus any suggestion that you can is not only personally insulting but also an offence against god himself!(1)

In the second instance by the time I've finished a novel I'm so tired of the material that the mere thought of going back to it make me physically sick. Like all wounded animals a writer will become vicious if pushed - like terrorist bomb-makers fiction editors are a profession signified by missing fingers.

In the third instance just as fat man immediately forgets his last meal and starts dreaming of the next(2) so an author is already working on the next book. I don't know a writer who doesn't start thinking about the next book even as he's struggling with the last half of the first, possibly because he is struggling.

The real problem with rewrites is that sooner or later, just like George Takei, you will have to fucking do them. Unless of course you get rich enough to afford the famous Protection from Editors CardTM.

(1) The theological argument is as follows: since only God can be perfect and my first draft was perfect then I must be god QED.

(2) Trust me on this.

Being the Chosen One is Grimm

2011-11-07T08:54:00.005Z

Grimm, read the script for the pilot and didn't like it. Was given a preview of Episodes 1 and 2 and... It could go either way but why?

Grimm suffers from excessive destiny syndrome. Life Buffy Summers our hero is the Chosen One, of the pure and wondrous bloodline of the Brothers Grimm who can see the monsters for what they really are etc etc. If Grimm stood magnificantly alone this wouldn't be a problem but since we are drowning in people with inate powers who have been chosen by fate to... whatever it is they are chosen to do it comes across as a tad stale. He has a black best friend as well, wouldn't it be nice if the black guy has the special powers for a change but that's a whole different rant.

So why am I planning to watch this series when it finally washes up in the UK as part of some package that Channel 5 bought in order to get something they really wanted?

Below this point are spoilers - read no further...........................

Because there's a reformed big bad wolf living in his town who has all the best lines, all the best scenes and is, in fact, a much better character than our hero, his black best friend and his wafer thin girlfriend.

The bit where he rips the guys arm off and stares at it as if deciding whether to eat it or drop it was worth wading through the hero angst that permeates the rest of the story. I suspect that over the course of the season it will turn into a buddy series between the two...

He's a cop with secret family history and second sight, he's a big bad wolf trying to go straight, together they fight crime.

If I was the black best friend I'd start looking for a new job.

Currently Reading: Contested Will

2011-11-02T06:00:00.001Z

Weirdly I was inspired by a Roland Emmerich film, not that I've got round to seeing it yet, to get what I've been told is the difinitive story of the debate about Shakespeare's authorship.

October Fictional Criminal Report

2011-10-31T06:00:00.000Z

The programmes watched by my informant this month were; Castle. Hawaii 5.0. Unforgettable, The Mentalist, Prime Suspect, Person of Interest and Blue Bloods.

Against the Wall was dropped when she point blank refused to continue watching it.

For how the classifications work you can check this blog here.

There were no OBWs this month and only one Evil Brit.

Type: Number (percentage of group/percentage of total)

White American: 60
Sympathetic: 8 (13%/9%)
Unsympathetic: 24 (40%/26%)
Vicious: 9 (15%/10%)
Career: 28 (32%/21%)

Non-white American: 19
Sympathetic: 3 (16%/3%)
Unsympathetic: - (-/-)
Vicious: - (-/-)
Career: 16 (84%/18%)

White Foriegner: 7
Sympathetic: 1 (14%/1%)
Unsympathetic: 1 (14%/1%)
Vicious: 1 (14%/1%)
Career: 4 (57%/4%)

Non-white Foriegner: 4
Sympathetic: 1% (25%/1%)
Unsympathetic: - (-/-)
Vicious: - (-/-)
Career: 3 (75%/3%)

It's still too early to draw firm conclusions but one trend is clear; whereas the White American criminals span the gamut of roles and motivations from desperate citizen to vicious serial killers the vast majority (77% so far) of non-white American criminals are depicted as part of a criminal class.

Remember none of this 'research' conforms to even the most basic standards of empiricism and thus we are not even going to pretend to defend it.

Computer Transition

2011-10-24T13:27:00.002+01:00

With a fine sense of timing my old computer gave up the ghost just one day short of me finishing the book. Relax; the work was all backed up but my contact list and email archives were not.

My priority is to deliver the book to my long suffering publishers once that is done I'll see about retreiving every thing else.

Only one of my email systems is working so I will not be replying to contacts through the folly for at least a week.

I apologise for any delays or problems this may create. I promise I will be fujlly plugged back into cyberspace by the end of the month.

Ben

Signing Today at Waterstones Covent Garden

2011-10-20T11:49:00.002+01:00

I will be signing today at the Covent Garden Waterstones' mini-relaunch. It starts at six o'clock (18:00) and I'll be there until seven thirty (19:30).

View Larger Map

Galaxy National Book Award

2011-10-17T11:02:00.004+01:00

Yes the 'not the Booker' is back and this time with a 100% more Aaronovitch. I've been put on the New Author shortlist but I don't rate my chances. What I'm hoping for is a butt load of chocolate. The announcement's been reported in the Bookseller who strangely focused on peripheral elements of the story - sometimes I just despair about modern journalistic standards.

This is the National Book Awards website which inexplicably hasn't updated it's own news story yet(1). There will be a TV show on one of the Channel 4s so there's a slim chance that my large presence may hove into view at some stage.

I shall keep the 3 of you posted.

(1) They probably have by now.

Riding With My Sister: Reading on Monday

2011-10-16T19:54:00.003+01:00

Andrew Cartmel is staging a reading of his latest comedy 'Riding With My Sister' at the White Bear on Monday the 16th October. I'm hoping to mount a production of this work, that's how much I like it, early next year - so you support would be welcome.

It starts at 19:30 and is absolutely free.

White Bear Theatre

138 Kennington Park Road
London
SE11 4DJ

To reach by Tube:
Two minutes walk from Kennington Tube, on the Northern Line. Kennington is one stop from Waterloo.
To reach by Bus:
The 133, 159, 109 buses stop nearby.

To reach by Rail:
Elephant and Castle Train Station, then bus.

The September Fictional Criminal Report

2011-10-03T06:00:00.002+01:00

I was watching Castle one week and there was a character, a former career criminal, who was being forced back into a life of crime by a much nastier career criminal. The sympathetic criminal was white and the nasty irredeemable criminal was black. Now I immediately jumped to a conclusion, I don't think I need to tell you what it was, but then I wondered if I was correct.

Since being on the wrong side of the pond I tend to see American shows at widely separated timed from when they are first broadcast I pitched this idea to an American friend of mine and they've agreed to compile the statistics for me. I might verify the figures as and when the episodes become available in the UK.

Who's counted

Any speaking criminal character or one who is identified by name. Mooks, in such shows as Hawaii 5.0, aren't counted unless they do something more interesting than pop-up like a paper target on Hogan's Ally.

The criminals are first broken down by nationality into American and non-American and then into white and non-white. European Latin American characters (Argentinians and the like) count as white. This is all going to be subjective so you mileage may vary. The actual criminal categories are as follows:-

Sympathetic: an ex-con forced back into the life by overwhelming circumstances, a person driven to extreme acts by abusive partners or bosses or just someone who snaps in a manner that we can both understand and empathise with.

Unsympathetic: Someone who commits a crime, possibly only one time, out of greed, or love or fear. Somebody who, under different circumstances, might have been us but chose badly and did something morally reprehensible.

Vicious: serial killers, sadistic mobsters, psychopathic gang leaders etc.

Career: mafia soldiers, gangbangers, street punks, people from the wrong area without an alibi.

Evil Brit: I don't think this needs an explanation (except that terrorists from Northern Ireland technically count).

Finally a non-criminal character who turns up with such regularity that I thought it would be interesting to do a crude count. This is the OBW or Obstructive Black Woman; this is a one or two scene character, often in a minor position of power, who gets in the way of our hero and has to be circumvented (and preferably humiliated into the bargain).

September saw the tail end of a couple of series and the start the new seasons. These are the ones my friend watched. The Closer, The Glades, Rizzoli & Isles, Burn Notice, The Protector, Alphas, Castle, Hawaii 5.0, Unforgettable, The Mentalist, Prime Suspect, Person of Interest, Blue Bloods and Against the Wall.

Total number of criminals 87.

Type: Number (percentage of group/percentage of total)
White American: 61
Sympathetic: 8 (13%/9%)
Unsympathetic: 14 (23%/16%)
Vicious: 11 (18%/13%)
Career: 28 (46%/32%)

Non-white American: 15
Sympathetic: 2 (18%/2%)
Unsympathetic: 1 (9%/1%)
Vicious: 1 (9%/1%)
Career: 7 (64%/8%)

White Foriegner: 7
Sympathetic: 2 (29%/2%)
Unsympathetic: - (-/-)
Vicious: 2 (29%/2%)
Career: 3 (43%/3%)

Non-white Foriegner: 4
Sympathetic: - (-/-)
Unsympathetic: - (-/-)
Vicious: 1 (25%/1%)
Career: 3 (75%/3%)

There were 4 Evil Brits making them 5% of all criminals but this is probably an artefact of Alphas which does love itself some Evil Brit.

There were also 4 Obstructive Black Women (counting the new Lieutenant in Castle only once).

Conclusions: the sample size is too low for anything to definitely emerge, I will point out that the vast majority of criminals are white but non-white criminals are much more likely to be career criminals than anything else.

Me and Suzy at the Lewisham Literary Festival

2011-09-06T21:44:00.003+01:00

Suzanne McLeod and I will be at the Lewisham Literary Festival where we shall be shilling... I mean answering questions about our books. It all kicks off at 3 pm on Saturday at St Swithun's church hall, directions from Hither Green are below -

View Walking directions to St Swithun's hall in a larger map

This the website for the festival and this is a place to book tickets.

Like Goldy or Bronzy

2011-09-05T06:00:00.005+01:00

The trouble with taking a smug superior attitude is that you can't always be sure it's justified and if it isn't then one leaves oneself open to ridicule - and that just wont do. Still I was watching the series finale of Falling Skies and found myself thinking that if the irony wasn't deliberate than the makers of the series must be dumber than pig shit.

Falling Skies follows the adventures of the survivors of an alien invasion as they attempt to preserve what's left of the civilian population and harass the invaders. It's an enjoyable show although I suspect that anyone who'd actually fought with an insurgency will want to watch the combat sequences with the sound track replaced by the chase music from Benny Hill.

Like I said the irony of the show didn't really sink in until the last episode. The location, Boston and the name the survivors take 'The 2nd Massachusetts' are all chosen to evoke folk memories of the American Revolution and just in case nobody noticed the historian/militia leader who serves as the series hero explicit references the revolution when they face off against an alien attack. I didn't record the programme so I can't give you the details of the speech but I remember something about militias striking a blow for freedom against a more powerful foe.

The thing is the though; if you're looking for an analogy - a brave people facing a doomed battle against a technologically superior enemy who seems intent on wiping them out and stealing all their land- it isn't the American War of Independence. Right continent wrong protagonists.

The makers of this series have to be aware of that - don't they? They can't really be that historically unaware - can they?

Things to do this week!

2011-08-30T06:00:00.000+01:00

Signing at Covent Garden Waterstones
On Thursday the 1st of September from noon till two (12:00-14:00)

View Signing at Waterstones Covent Garden in a larger map

Signing at Waterstones Romford
Saturday 3rd of September from one till three (13:00-15:00)

View Signing at Waterstones Romford in a larger map

I wanted to be a Paperback Writer

2011-08-24T06:00:00.000+01:00

At last the thing that was previously released big is now being released small - with a slightly different cover(1)

For months now people have been coming up to me in the street and saying: "I'd really like to buy your book if only it was smaller and cheaper." Well WISH GRANTED! From today the travel sized version of Rivers of London is available from WH Smith, Waterstones, the non-snobby branches of Daunts, a nice bookshop I just discovered in England's Lane and many other worthy outlets.

(1) Obviously it's been small in America for some time.

Cursed Among Sequels

2011-08-22T10:00:00.004+01:00

This is my Amazon review for Cursed Among Sequels by Nev Fountain

Having torn through the previous two titles in this series, Geek Tragedy and DVD Extras Include: Murder I did entertain a fear that the series might flag. I mean just how much trouble can the former script editor of an 1980s cult Sci-Fi show get into? The answer is: more than you'd think.

This time Mervyn Stone, whose career in TV didn't so much implode as trickle away while he wasn't looking, is down in the wilds of Cornwall where an American company which specialises in resurrecting the corpses of bygone TV shows is about to shoot electricity into the mummified remains of Vixens of the Void. Mervyn is there as a consultant, which means he ranks below the caterer in status, but instead of spending the shoot having his suggestions ignored he finds himself the target of a series of increasingly bizarre murder attempts.

I can't say any more without spoilers but lets just say it has, mentally unbalanced writers, five flavours of desperate actor, malfunctioning plots, props and costumes and a nightmare of a director. Not to mention the monkey and toaster explanation for why British television has not been particularly brilliant of late.

I read it in one sitting.

Currently Reading: Nemesis

2011-08-21T09:10:00.002+01:00

Change of pace as I switch into Nemesis: The Battle For Japan 1944-1945 - a fascinating if grim and occasionally eye-popping account of the last days of the Pacific war.

Max Hasting, a man I would cheerfully strangle (politically speaking) is a superb historian capable of coupling proper scholarship and objectivity to a clear and entertaining prose style.

Currently Reading: Cursed Among Sequels

2011-08-20T20:24:00.002+01:00

As you can probably tell from the fact that I already have the next book up I'm tearing through these in a hurry.

Just started but I have to say that the monkey with a toaster metaphor for commissioning editors is worth the price of admission alone.

Word Verification Now Operating

2011-08-20T16:06:00.001+01:00

I don't like word verification but I'm getting seriously spammed here.

Coming Up

2011-08-19T06:00:00.000+01:00

Things to look forward to in the next month or so.

25th August: Rivers of London Paperback release.
In these tough economic times I know there are many of you who can only gaze whistfully at your richer friends as they read their hardback editions of what people are already calling '...that book you wrote.' From the 25th August it will be available in the convenient travel sized paperwork version. So you'll have no excuse.

WH Smith's Promotion
Apparently WH Smith will be running a promotion as soon as I know details I'll let you know.

1st September: Signing at Waterstone's Covent Garden
12:00 to 14:00
Be the first on your block to have a personally signed copy.

3rd September: Signing at Waterstone's Romford
13:00 - 14:00
Be the second on your block etc etc.

10th September: Lewisham Literary Festival
Details to be announced.

Currently Reading: DVD Extra Include Murder

2011-08-18T11:36:00.003+01:00

I should have been reading this yesterday but the crack team of Royal Mail spotters ensured that the delivery took place during my breif absence from my home - still collecting it from the depot this morning was probably good exercise.

Nev Fountain brings you the further adventures of Mervyn Stone, former script-editor/writer this time solving a mysterious poisoning at Television Centres. Religion, blasphemy, Vixens from the Void - who could ask for anything more.

Translation Convention

2011-08-15T06:00:00.024+01:00

I couple of reviewers have commented on the presence in my books of what some might call British-isms which others might call English. Sorry, cheap shot, couldn't resist it, moving on. Sometimes this is couched as a positive, sometimes as a negative but mostly as a minor drawback that is outweighed by the books good points (phew). My initial reaction, like most British people, is to snarl in unseemly fashion and go into a long rant about how 'we seem to be perfectly capable of figuring out American-isms (called by some people English) from the text why can't they' blah, cultural imperialism, moan, short sightedness, insensitivity etc etc.

I was halfway through a moan of this type when I asked myself - do we? So, in a spirit of inquiry, because it does you good to periodically test your assumptions and also because I'll do just about anything other than get down to the business of writing, I decided to check. I've taken random chapters from the British editions of American authors - sticking to books set in modern America (because my books are set in modern Britain).

King Maker by Maurice Broaddus
Published by Angry Robot (2010)
Chapter Seven (p166-187)
Actually there's quite a lot of drug jargon in this chapter which I didn't count because I suspected it was new to a lot of people on both sides of the pond(1).

American-isms: Arts and Crafts Era, Crown Royal bag, Kool cigarette, senior (high school), quarter (money), squad car, aluminium cans, section 8 housing(2), Player magazine, parking lot and hose (fishnet).

(1) Broaddus evocation of the junkie life is particularly brilliant here.
(2) I'm not sure if this isn't Indianapolis specific or not.

Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
Published by Gollancz (2009)
Chapter 7 (p176-206)

American-isms: Restonic(3), Little League Baseball(4)... and that's it. A quick flick through revealed pavement rather than sidewalk - this book has been doctored. My thesis has definitely taken a hit.

This is why you should check your facts before embarking on a good moan, especially a nationalistic one.

(3) Is this a real brand name or made up?
(4) we know what baseball is it's the 'little league' that's foreign.

The Salt Eaters by Toni Cade Bambera
Published by The Women's Press (1982)
Chapter Seven (p161-174)

American-isms: parking lot and.... bloody hell my theory is going down in flames.

Mind you it's been thirty years since I first read this book, scanning the chapter reminded me how good it was and now its been recycled into the reading pile.

Seriously I'd better choose something firmly in the vernacular to retrieve my honour...

White Night by Jim Butcher
Published by Orbit (2008)
Chapter 7 (p65-76

Surely the aggressively American (and I mean that in a good way) Jim Butcher is going to help me out here.

American-ism: sidewalk, mailbox and fire truck.

Notes: unless I'm mistaken Orbit changed leash to lead but kept sidewalk - interesting. Strictly speaking I could have included mail as an Americanism because while we use mail (as in Royal Mail) we generally refer to the post (the post has arrived, post box) but I decided that would be a sign of desperation.

Now to the last throw of the dice (or is it die?)

Lullaby by Ed McBain
Published by Pan Books (1989)
Chapter 7 (p125-152)

Surely the 87th Precinct novels, from which I learnt, in context, that an Oldsmobile was a car and that Oxfords were a type of shoe, would bear me out. Shall we have a look?

American-isms: Jakies, sidewalk, track (athletics), apartment & apartment building.

I'd say that the basis of the moan is... well marginal at best. Without comparing a range of American editions of British books I'd say it was unlikely that more American-isms were let through than British-isms going the other way.

I'm off to complain about something else.

Currently Reading: Royal Flash

2011-08-13T14:44:00.003+01:00

Royal Flash by George MacDonald Fraser

I hadn't read any Flashman books in years and having finished the first nothing can be done but that I press on to the 2nd. This stands an aberration in the series in that it is the only one set in a fictional locale yet despite that it has the same attention to historical detail including endnotes that contradict the main text.

I'd like to see the person who wrote the phrase 'genetic code' in the Captain America film pay a bit more attention to such details.

Currently Reading: Flashman

2011-08-12T12:00:00.001+01:00

Flashman by George MacDonald Fraser.

I lost my original copy and so this became the only one that I hadn't read in years. Flashman remains a fascinating exercise in creating a wholly irredeemable protagonist who is rendered, if not sympathetic than at least tolerable, by his one saving grace - the absolute truthfulness of his recollections. It's also very funny of course and educational.

Geek Tragedy

2011-08-12T06:00:00.002+01:00

I don't normally review and I almost never recommend a book but in this case I'm going to make an exception. Partly because it kept me up all night but mostly because I found myself laughing out loud every two pages or so.

Geek Tragedy by Nev Fountain details the first case of one Meryvn Stone, former writer and script editor of smash hit 1980s BBC television show Vixens From The Void and reluctant amateur sleuth.

Stone, a man whose career has not prospered since Vixens was cancelled, arrives at an anonymous hotel where he will a guest at VixCon15. His low expectations are almost immediately confirmed when he is thrust back into the slightly sweaty arms of Vixens From the Void's fandom which - ...only existed so that Xena Warrior Princess fans had someone to pity. (p17)

And that's about as far as I'm willing to go without spoiling the plot, obviously there is a murder and a mystery. Our hero rises to the occasion, in more than one sense of the word. The setting will be hilariously familiar and appalling to anyone whose ever attended, guested or organised a fan convention and will be hideously fascinating to anyone who has not. The characters are well drawn and manage the difficult balance between caricature and believability - I've met some of these people, hell I've been some of these people. Nev Fountain keeps the mystery and the comedy in perfect harmony so that you find yourself laughing and second guessing the plot at the same time.

I'm off to buy the sequels - you should too.

Currently Reading: Geek Tragedy

2011-08-11T06:00:00.000+01:00

Written by Nev Fountain who writes for Private Eye and wrote for Dead Ringers this turned out to be a happy accidental acquisition.

I wasn't planning to read it straight away but I made the mistake of scanning the first page and now it's stuck.

I'm certainly going to talk about its strengths in establishing a sense of place but that can wait - first I have to finish it.

Spoor of the Gibbon: The Hour

2011-08-10T17:34:00.006+01:00

Gibbons are nasty furtive creatures and it can be hard to track them. But occasionally one comes across their spoor in a form as fragrant and as delightful as a dog turd in a paddling pool. Such spoor was strong in the closing moments of episode 3 of BBC TV's The Hour.

At the end of this episode an MI6 agents pursues our hero through the corridors of the BBC before violently assaulting him. Our hero drawing upon the potent power of lower middle class rage to turn the tables and demands answers. The spy, who up until then had been terrifyingly professional, blurts out a cryptic state secret before inexplicably throwing himself down the stair well.

It's the inexplicable nature of this swan dive that, like the odour of cheap dog-food, allows us to identify this spoor. Now whatever you think of Abi Morgan as a writer she is professional enough to avoid using inexplicable suicides as a plot device. It's obvious to anyone with craft skills that she was going for a stonking climax where our, almost but not quite working class, hero is forced to kill a man in self defence.

This would fit in with the themes of the story and with the guilt he expresses in Episode 4. It also makes some kind of narrative sense. What I suspect was that a Gibbon intervened, at a very late stage, and said that there was no way they could have the hero kill someone, not even in self defence. We know that this must have been done late because there was obviously no time to do a proper rewrite before shooting.

And so our exciting climax is marred by pointless note which serves only to make life difficult for the writer, the actors, the director and poor bloody editor who has to cut together a scene that makes no sense whatsoever.

Thus do the gibbons rain excrement upon talented craft professionals and ultimately we the audience.

In Praise of Big Books

2011-08-08T06:00:00.000+01:00

Novel Got Plot by Sir Read-a-Lot
(with abject apologies to Sir Mix-a-Lot)

*Late Show Panelist*

Oh my god
Kirsty, look at that plot
It's so big!
It looks like one of those fantasy novels
Who understands those fantasy writers?
They only write like that because they're total geeks
I mean that plot
It's just so big
It's got so many pages
It's just out there
I mean, it's so gross.
Look, it's just so sci-fi

*Sir Read-a-lot*

I like big books and I cannot lie
You other readers can't deny
When the prologue sets out to give a taste
And sticks its story in your face
You get sprung
Wanna read all night
Cuz you know that plot is tight!
I know that the map is vital
I was hooked by the end of the title
Oh I just want to get you in the sack
And read you in hardback
The critics may grit their teeth
But that plot you got
Suspends my disbelief.
Oh book of vast size
You say you wanna get in my cart?
I'll choose yer, choose yer, cuz you aint that average booker
I've seen them bulging
I need indulging
It's long, strong, got it going like donkey kong

I'm tired of magazines
Saying character's the thing
Take the average reader and ask them what
Books got to carry some plot

So writers (yeah) Writers (yeah)
Has your novel got a plot (hell yeah)
Well write it, write it, write it, write it, write that lengthy plot
Novels got plot

(UK cover with a New York binding)

I like'em big and thick
On the bookshelf when I pick
I just can't help myself
I'm a literary animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And UH, snuggle up UH UH
I aint talkin bout no Amis
Because the TLS talks out its a***
I wanna a big long series
So write another sequel
Readalot is your equal
I'll even get the prequal
So I'm watching the Late Show
Knockin' them pundits talking like pros.
You can keep that prose
I'll keep my book with a plot that flows
A word to the trilogy writer
I wanna plot that's tighter
I aint gonna fight yer
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna read yer
Til the break of dawn
Baby stick another sequel on
Alot of critics won't like this song
Cuz them punks get it free and a charge a fee
But I'd rather stay and play
Cuz I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the fiction on

So writers (yeah), writers (yeah)
Do you want a series on HBO? (yeah)
Then turn around
Turn it out
Even Front Row got to shout
Novel got plot.

(UK cover with a New York binding)

Yeah baby
When it comes to novels
The broadsheets got nothing to do with my selection
Two hundred and fifty thousand words
But only if its part one!

So your best friend writes a Booker
Bout a middle aged man and a hooker
His Booker aint got no gas in his cooker
My kindle don't want a lot unless you got plot, clot!
You can do philosophy or aesops, but please don't lose that plot.
Some writers wanna play that role.
And tell you that the plot ain't gold
So they say that they're post-modern
They don't know what's going on
So the critics say you're hacks
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your print is small and your word counts kickin
And I'm thinkin bout stickin
To the English majors in the magazines
The point of books your missing
Give me a brick I like them thick
Because than that story will stick
Some knucklehead tried to dis
Cuz Atwood's on my list
He can chat his shit on Newsnight
But that don't mean what he says is right
So writers if the plot is compelling
And you wanna your books be selling
Dial 1-900 READALOT
Novel got plot
Novel got plot
Saggy in the middle but it got much plot x4

Translation for the non-British: the TLS is the Times Literary Supplement, the Late Show and Front Row are cultural arts review programmes on BBC2 and BBC Radio 4 and Newsnight is flagship news magazine programme on BBC2 whose most famous presenter once told Margaret Atwood that Oryx and Crake was not Science Fiction because it had real science in it.

Currently Reading: Ghost Story

2011-08-06T10:49:00.003+01:00

Came via post this morning - Good luck talking to me for the next couple of hours. Let's see, coffee, biscuits, book.... farewell cruel world.

Finished!

Back to work.

I'm baaaaaaack....ish!

2011-08-02T10:12:00.002+01:00

Just a note to say that I've been neglecting my blog while I finish a novel but pressure has eased enough to alloy me to do some blogging and start updating the, sadly neglected, websites. I won't be able to engage in long and involved conversations or respond personally to every comment until everything is done and dusted but I do enjoy getting them.

No More Mr Anonymous

2011-07-07T07:27:00.001+01:00

Alas I've had to disable anonymous posting as 9 out of 10 posts of that type were spam.

Nancy Pearl Recomends Midnight Riot

2011-06-23T14:00:00.000+01:00

Nancy Pearl, the only non simian Librarian to have her own action figure, has put Midnight Riot (aka Rivers of London) at the top of her summer reading list.

Although I'm willing concede that my pre-eminent position may have something to do with my fortuitous double A surname.

You can find her glowing recommendation here and, should you so wish, listen to her radio programme on the NPR website here.

Forbidden Planet Group Signing

2011-06-13T06:00:00.000+01:00

I will be partaking in the Forbidden Planet Group Signing on the 23rd of June from 1800-1900 - details are here.

Get Yourself Free

2011-06-08T06:00:00.001+01:00

I was once again contemplating the problem of pushy minor characters and how they can encrust the bottom of your narrative like barnacles when this particular earworm arrrived in my head and refused to leave. Because misery loves company I publish it for your delectation.

With apologies to Paul "Gundwani" Simon.

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways
To ditch your character.

She said remember you’re the author
of your work
And playing god with them has
Always been a perk
You don’t want imaginary people
Treating you just like a jerk
There must be fifty ways
To kill your character

[CHORUS]
Just nuke them from space, Grace
Make a new plot, Dot
Pretend they got lost, Joss
Just get yourself free
Put em on a bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just let them fade, Jade
And get yourself free

It really is pathetic that your own
creations cause you pain
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again
I said I appreciate that
If you’d just repeat the refrain
About the fifty ways…

She said why don't we both
Just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning
You'll begin to see the light
And then she edited the chapter
And I realised that she was right
There must be fifty ways
To kill your character.

[CHORUS 2]
You just stab them in the back, Jack
Get them all hitched, Rich
Don’t need to justify, Tye
Just get yourself free
Let them ascend, Brend
It don’t need to make sense much.
Put them in a coma, Rona
And get yourself free.

[CHORUS 3]
Have them fall ill. Jill
Stuff them in fridge, Bridge
Have a psycho make a call, Paul
And get yourself rid.
Marry them off, Joff
You don’t have to explain much
Nail them to a tree, Dee
And get yourself free.

Moon Over Soho Audio

2011-06-06T16:04:00.004+01:00

Just received word that the unabridged audio version Moon Over Soho will be available for download from the 21st of July. It will be read, as was Rivers of London, by Kobna Holdbrook-Smith who not only does a much better Nigerian accent than me but also a better Scottish, Manchester, Essex and, if truth be told, Cockney wide boy.

He's been in Little Britain and done time at the National and the Globe - which makes him a proper actor. He certainly does a good job with Peter.

Fleuves de Londres

2011-06-06T12:00:00.000+01:00

Just a note to say that my agents have concluded their negotiations with French publishing house J'ai Lu and that Rivers of London, Moon Over Soho and Whispers Under Ground will be published in translation - probably next year.

I'm very pleased, partly out of sheer meglomanical delight but mostly because now I have a good excuse to go to Paris on the Eurostar. 'It's for business - honest.'

Reviewed in Time Out!

2011-06-01T14:20:00.002+01:00

Writing a Novel and Getting Published

2011-05-30T06:00:00.012+01:00

Now that I've moved from an almost successful writer to a somewhat successful writer I am still asked how one traverses that tricky hinterland between the gloomy forest of obscurity to the sunlit uplands of actually getting paid to write. I cannot speak to the journey that others may take but I can certainly describe my own rock and cowpat strewn path to occasional success.

I've covered much of this ground before but I thought I'd consolidated in one easy to find blog.

Part 1: Prior to Writing the Novel

1. To paraphrase Yoda 'Write or do not write there is no fucking endlessly telling people you're going to write a novel if you don't write it and BTW you fucked up badly in that cave you're worse than fricking Obi Wan I swear this is why I gave up teaching...'

Part 2: Writing the Novel

1. Go out and buy 'How Not To Write A Novel' by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman.

2. Read this book at least twice.
3. Write your novel following its advice.
4. Do not rewrite earlier chapters until the book is finished.
5. Do not show your work to more than 1-2 people until it's finished.

6. Do not ask professional writers to look at work unless you are a) sleeping with them, b) related to them, c) prepared to give them more than £2,000 in cash or d) all of the above.

7. I don't need to defend these rules to anyone since they worked for me but you can ignore them as much as you like - I'm easy.

Part 3: Selling Your Novel

I did the conventional get an agent and let them sell the book route so if you want to sell direct to publishers or self publish I can't help you and my speculation is just uninformed as anyone else. Also all of this applies to the UK - I have no idea how you'd do this in a different country.

1. Buy the latest copy of the Writers and Artists Yearbook.

2. Turn to the pages that list Literary Agents and pick 10 agents by whatever criteria suits you, I started with the biggest London based agencies but you could do it by reverse alphabetical order because it actually makes very little difference.

3. Follow the following procedure with exactitude...

a) Check the agency website to ensure that they are open to submissions, that they are looking for the genre you are writing in and what their submission guidelines are. If they don't have a website then make a quick phone call to determine these things. Be friendly and do not overstay your welcome or pitch over the phone (unless you are explicitly invited to).

b) prepare a submission package following the exact guidelines you were given in a). You do not win points for innovating your submission or trying to explain why you should be an exception.

c) Repeat the process for the other nine agencies.
d) Post or email your submissions.

4. Pick another 10 agencies and repeat until you have submitted your material to every single agency in the book that is willing to look at a submission. I did about ten submissions a week I can't see any reason to do it slower unless you really like to string out the agony.

5. Once you have an agent selling the book becomes their problem.
6. I can't really help you if this doesn't work since I got an agent.

Part 4: Some Statistics
I submitted my work to 45 agencies...
Of which 10 subsequently asked for a full manuscript...
4 asked for meetings of which...
Only 2 made offers of representation.
The fastest rejection took 6 days and the longest 6 months.
The average time before a manuscript request was 4 weeks.

Meetings, when they happened, were requested within 7 days of submitting a full manuscript.

To this day 13 agencies have failed to do so much as reject me by email.

That's the sum total of knowledge of how to get your work published - I hope it's useful.

Driveby Signing at Waterstones Covent Garden

2011-05-26T07:41:00.003+01:00

I will be conducting a quick informal signing at Covent Garden Waterstones today. As you might know I used to work there and they've always supported me and flogged my books with the kind of gusto that other authors only dream of. They also like to make sure they have lots of signed copies so every so often I go down and sign a batch.

Since I'm there with sharpie Mary the manager thinks it would be a waste if we didn't invite people to come along and get their books signed. So from 11:00 to 12:30 I will be hanging around the store with my sharpie ready sign anything put in front of me.

That's Today, Covent Garden branch of Waterstones - 11:00 - 12:30

I wish it was in Russian

2011-05-19T11:55:00.002+01:00

I'd love my books to be published in Russian (as well as German and Hungarian) but alas so far this has not happened. Fortunately on the interweb a Russian reviewer has translated the first couple of paragraphs of Rivers of London and since I still own the copyright I have no compunction about nicking it and showing it here...

«Реки Лондона»
Это началось в час тринадцать холодным утром вторника в январе, когда Мартин Тёрнер, уличный актер и, по собственным словам, жиголо, споткнулся о тело, перед западным портиком собора Святого Павла в Ковент-Гардене. Мартин, который был не слишком трезв сам, сперва подумал, что тело было одним из многих празднующих, кто выбрал площадь в качестве удобного наружного туалета и спальни. Будучи прожженным лондонцем, Мартин бросил на тело «лондонский оценивающий» быстрый взгляд, чтобы понять, был ли это пьяный, безумный или человек, пребывающий в депрессии. Факт того, что это было вполне возможно для кого-то быть одержимым всеми тремя симптомами сразу — был причиной, по которой добро-самаритянизм в Лондоне приравнивался к экстремальному спорту — как бейсджампинг или реслинг с крокодилами. Мартин, отмечая хорошего качества пальто и ботинки, только-только квалифицировал тело как пьяное, когда заметил, что оно без головы.

Как отметил Мартин детективам, проводившим с ним беседу, это было очень хорошо, что он был пьян, потому что в противном случае он бы напрасно потерял время вопя и бегая вокруг — особенно, когда понял, что стоит в луже крови. Вместо этого с медленной, методической выдержкой пьяного и испуганного, Мартин Тёрнер набрал 999 и попросил полицию.

Multinationals - Threat or Menace?

2011-05-09T06:00:00.000+01:00

For writers of everything from Cyberpunk to Literary Fiction the multinational corporation has provided a fruitful source of menace, bad guys and, for the boys at Kudos, deus ex machinas. Like the Russians during the cold war or the Islamic terrorists post 9/11 it is barely considered necessary to provide them with a motive - they're multinationals - evil incorporated.

I've often heard the phrase - bigger than the GDP of a small country - and after a while I wondered 'how much bigger?' So I looked up the turnover of the world's really big companies and compared them to the GDP of various countries.

So the biggest company of all, Wallmart, has a turnover of $419 billion. Looking down our list of adjusted GDP as calculated by the IMF we find that Wallmart is bigger than country 29 on the list Malaysia ($412 billion).

The next biggest company is ExxonMobil at $370 billion which makes it bigger than Sweden ($352 bn) but smaller than Nigeria (374 bn). After Exxon come a raft of big oil companies, American, Dutch, French and Chinese, until we come to the first manufacturing company on the list - Toyota. The Japanese motor manufacturer weighs in at $204 billion which makes it smaller than Israel ($219 bn) but larger than Denmark ($203 bn).

So there you go - multinationals are bigger than small countries but probably not as big as the guys at Kudos think they are.

Signing Tomorrow at Waterstones Covent Garden

2011-05-07T13:24:00.003+01:00

Just a reminder that Suzanne MacLeod and I will be signing a various magnificent octopus at Waterstones Covent Garden between 2-4pm on Sunday the 8th of May. It's all part of the Covent Garden May Fayre which should be a fun day out for all the family. For the geographically challange I've made a little Google map for you here.

Mein Name ist Peter Grant.

2011-05-07T06:17:00.006+01:00

Rivers of London is being published in Germany by DTV, here is their cover and here is their blurb...

»Können Sie beweisen, dass Sie tot sind?«

Peter Grant ist Police Constable in London mit einer ausgeprägten Begabung fürs Magische. Was seinen Vorgesetzten nicht entgeht. Auftritt Thomas Nightingale, Polizeiinspektor und außerdem der letzte Zauberer Englands. Er wird Peter in den Grundlagen der Magie ausbilden. Ein Mord in Covent Garden führt den frischgebackenen Zauberlehrling Peter auf die Spur eines Schauspielers, der vor 200 Jahren an dieser Stelle den Tod fand.

»Mein Name ist Peter Grant. Ich bin seit Neuestem Police Constable und Zauberlehrling, der erste seit fünfzig Jahren. Mein Leben ist dadurch um einiges komplizierter geworden. Jetzt muss ich mich mit einem Nest von Vampiren in Purley herumschlagen, einen Waffenstillstand zwischen Themsegott und Themsegöttin herbeiführen, Leichen in Covent Garden ausgraben. Ziemlich anstrengend, kann ich Ihnen sagen - und der Papierkram!«

The strapline at the top translates as, I think, "Can your prove that you are dead?" which is not bad at all and very funny. I also like the cry of '...and the paperwork' »...und der Papierkram!«

Sneak Preview: Whispers Under Ground Covers

2011-05-03T20:31:00.003+01:00

For bonus points you can guess which one is British and which one American...

The Wisdom of Woody Allen

2011-05-02T06:00:00.006+01:00

You read your own reviews - this is a given. It's not that I wouldn't believe a writer if he(1) said he never read the reviews of his own work but I certainly wouldn't lend them a fiver or sit next to them on a long plane flight. It's not the bad ones who freak you out, although they reduce me to incandescent rage, nor is it the ones that attribute you with strange motives and agendas which generally just puzzle me.

No - the ones that keep me up at night are the ones that describe my work as 'light', 'fun' and 'inconsequential'.

Inconsequential - moi? Can't they see the depths of my subtext, the cleverness of a metatextual metaphors - am I being just too clever?

Perhaps I should make my subtext more obvious or maybe I should dispense with such bourgeois notions as plot, character and syntax.

Fortunately it's then the scene from Stardust Memories by Woody Allen flashes in my mind. The one where he meets the Martians. When he asks them whether he shouldn't do something more meaningful with his life to be of service to mankind. The Martian tells him: 'You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.'

So 'fun', 'lightweight', 'enjoyable fluff' or 'an easy way to pass the weekend' fine, these are better words than 'unread', 'remaindered' and of course - 'unpublished.' So thank you Woody Allen for everything you've taught me and one day, I promise, I'll sit down and watch 'Interiors' with an open mind.

(1) he/she, him/her etc etc

Novel Associations

2011-05-01T22:37:00.001+01:00

Well it's not the combination that sprang to my mind...

I don't want to boast...

2011-04-30T09:32:00.003+01:00

But I'm in the top ten again.......admittedly I'm right at the bottom of the top ten but, hey, any sales figure you can walk away from as they say. This is the Guardian Top 10 Hardback chart, apparently the Sunday Times won't have a weekly chart tomorrow so I'm going to do all my serious gloating today.

The May Fayre

2011-04-28T08:09:00.007+01:00

It’s on a day like this that a young man’s mind turns to romance, ice cream and Punch and Judy shows.

Rivers of London, Chapter 6

This Sunday the 8th of May Covent Garden will host the annual May Fayre in celebration of puppets in general and Punch and Judy in particular.

The event is held on the closest Sunday to the 9th of May when in 1662 Samuel Pepys noted in his diary...

Thence to see an Italian puppet play that is within the rayles there, which is very pretty, the best that ever I saw, and great resort of gallants.

The whole thing kicks off with a grand procession at 10:30 and from 11:30 there will be as many Punch and Judy shows, in their myriad forms, as can be crammed into the gardens of the Actors Church.

The Actor's Church, whose true name is St Paul's of Covent Garden, is situated on the West side of the piazza and is worth a look whatever time of year you happen to be there.

And as if your excitement could not be stoked further I and my fellow author Susanne McLeod will be signing our Covent Garden themed urban fantasies at the nearby Waterstones between the hours of 2 and 4 pm.

Signing at Romford Waterstone Today!

2011-04-23T06:00:00.000+01:00

I will be signing copies of, well anything that gets shoved in front of me but hopefully, copies of the newly released 'Moon Over Soho' today at 13:00 PM so that we can all get it out of the way before rushing off to watch Doctor Who.

Waterstone's Romford

Address:
Lockwood Walk
Town Centre
Romford
RM1 3RJ
+44 (0)170 874 7482

All you lot up in Birmingham will just have to go without.

...a book with words in it!

2011-04-21T17:46:00.002+01:00

People, those that know me well, have been asking me where I stole the '...novel with words in it!' joke from. The answer is from the following Mitchell and Webb Sketch.

The basic idea of satirical publicity quotes I stole from Monty Python's Big Red Bok (which was blue).

Radio London Interview

2011-04-21T17:25:00.004+01:00

My interview on Radio London can be heard here it starts at 1 hr 36 minutes in.

Moon Over Soho - Out Now in the UK

2011-04-21T07:17:00.007+01:00

Moon Over Soho is out today: 373 sizzling hardback pages of murder, magic, mystery, hot sex, cool jazz and cream cakes. A book that the critics are already calling '...a novel with words in it!'

'Some of the characters are the same as the last book.'

Pedant's Weekly

'No really I just can't patronise this book enough...'

Sue Perkins

'The humor, the world-building, the action, the magic, the mystery, the procedural—all are top-notch.'

Ranting Dragon

'Moon Over Soho is a ton of fun.'

My Bookish Ways

'Moon over Soho is one of the most entertaining books I’ve read in a long time.'

Fantasy Literature

...the climax is both exhilarating and emotionally affecting...'

SFReviews.net

'...a tale full of magic, mystery and humor, set in a city that lives and breathes with its own living history.'

Owlcat Mountain

'...highly readable and hugely enjoyable. Definitely a book not to miss!'

Love Vampires

On BBC London Today

2011-04-21T06:00:00.001+01:00

I shall be on the Robert Elms show on BBC Radio London today talking about jazz, Soho and the background to the book Moon Over Soho. I'm arriving at one thirty pm so the best thing to do is tune in then and just stay completely still until I've finished.

My Hovercraft Is Full Of Eels

2011-04-20T21:15:00.004+01:00

According to my agent my munificent ocelot is to be translated into Hungarian for the delight of its inhabitants. In tribute to this, no doubt, epic task I provide the following Monty Python sketch...

The Hungarian publisher is Agave who don't seem to have a website I can locate. Still I'd just like to say that my nipples are exploding with delight.

Stephen Walter

2011-04-18T09:00:00.003+01:00

Many people have commented on how much they like the Gollancz covers of Moon Over Soho and Rivers of London. The element that I think gives the covers their unique look is the work of artist Stephen Walter. His master work The Island - a psychogeographical redrawing of Greater London as an Island - suits the tone and the content of the books perfectly.

It also means that as long I keep stories with the boundaries of the city I love then I never have to worry about cover design again. Result!

Stephen Walter has a website here and feature in the British Library's online exhibition here.

My Non Review of Sucker Punch

2011-04-11T09:00:00.003+01:00

The Evil Monster Boy wanted to go see Sucker Punch really badly and not just in an ordinary digital print but in super migraine inducing size at the IMAX cinema. I on the other hand, possibly because I am not a 15 year old boy, found myself vaguely repulsed by the trailer and decided that seeing the film was, in the language of marketing, a non-aspiration.

So non-aspirational was this film that yesterday I paid for the Evil Monster Boy and his friend to go see it without me. Unfortunately I still had to take myself and my credit card down to Waterloo to get the tickets so that left me with a couple of hours to kill. I migrated first to the second hand book stalls under Waterloo Bridge and thence, as if drawn by magic, into the BFI restaurant. I took a window seat and enjoyed a braised pork and garlic mash main course followed by coffee and cake(1) for about £2 less than I would have paid to see the film.

Outside the sun set over the Thames while the Kinks fought with GLaDOS for my mental soundtrack and waves of tourists washed up and down the embankment. So go see Sucker Punch if you want to, you might even enjoy it, or perhaps treat yourself to a decent meal instead.

(1) This was a triumph!

Support Your Local Film Industry

2011-04-06T07:06:00.006+01:00

Strictly speaking the UK no longer has what you'd call an actual 'film industry' but occasionally a good script will fight it's way through the army of gibbons to make it to your local multiplex.

It is said that 'Attack the Block' is such a film and so I told the Evil Monster Boy that we mustn't miss it when it does its, no doubt, blink and you'll miss it national release. Not just because it looks like a really good film but because it's important to support British talent.

The Evil Monster Boy agreed because, what with the last Harry Potter film being finished, there's a lot of spare talent lying around. So if you don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering where you're own culture went(1) - go see Attack the Block.

(1) Unless you're an American or something obviously.

Writing Below Your Pay Grade

2011-04-04T09:00:00.010+01:00

Bonekickers
Now you can criticise Bonekickers for many things and indeed it's actually quite hard to see where one would stop criticising Bonekickers but most of those things arose out of positive decisions on the part of the production team. In other words they did it to themselves. Like many TV professionals before them they chose to ignore real history, politics or archaeology so in order to tell a better story. That the series proved a turgid disappointing muddle is down to their, surprising given their track record, short comings as writers and is beyond the scope of this blog.

What was most disappointing was the fact that the scripts were so slackly written and nothing illustrates this point better than the scene in Episode 2 when a document from the late 18th Century is discovered which refers to a group of black revolutionary war soldiers as 'political prisoners'.

Now I'm not an expert in the historical use of language but that stood out like a bum note. I'm pretty certain that any writer with a historical sense that stretched back beyond their old copies of the Beano would hear that bum note too. The trouble was that it used to be very hard to know for sure.

Until now and this is where the blog really starts....

Because those nice people at Google have provided lazy writers with the Ngram Viewer which allows you to check the frequency of the use of a word or phrase against book contents going back all the way back to the dawn-ish of publishing. So let us enter the phrase 'political prisoner' into the magic engine so...

As you can see the phrase doesn't really occur with any frequency before the end of the Napoleonic Wars. Even so there is one occurrence of the term listed in a book dated 1798 so I think I'm going to give Ashley Pharoah the benefit of the doubt in this case(1). Which proves how useful this thing is for the jobbing writer.

Bonekickers, wretched waste of budget that it may have been, is not the reason for this blog which was actually prompted when a script for the TV pilot of "Poe" fell into my hands(3).

Poe
The premise for this series is strong - Edgar Allen Poe a fine mystery writer pursues a crime fighting career in Boston in the early 1840s complete with spunky female sidekick and traditional antagonistic relationship with the Boston P.D.(4). Jumping out of page 4 comes the term "boogie man" not used for the supernatural killer before the 20th century or was "out of the box" in anything but it's literal meaning.

Now it can be fun to throw in anachronisms, to have our hero be 'ahead of the curve' and invent idioms a century or so early - but this approach only works well if everybody else routinely speaks in the appropriate historical idiom - which they don't. For example the police commissioner[sic] refers to "crime scenes" not in use before the 20th Century. And spunky female side kick refuses - to reinforce some "fairer sex" stereotype... Until the 1920s stereotype was strictly a printing term.

But the point where my willing suspension of disbelief, a quite sturdy edifice I assure you, collapsed was when Poe suggested that a particularly dim police officer should return to the academy[sic] for a refresher course (not in widespread use until the 20th century again). Anachronism piled on anachronism.

Can I point out that it took me all of a minute and a half to look up these words and check when the Boston P.D. was established. So the argument that writers don't have time to do this basic research is total bollocks. These leads us onto...

Like Who Cares Dude?
Good question. Does it matter that some piece of fluff TV show has any historical accuracy, or even a close approximation? I would forgive Poe if I thought that the producers had taken a decision to be interestingly anachronistic in the manner of 'A Knights Tale' but the truth is I believe it's down to either basic incompetence or because they just don't care enough to do the work properly. I think it matters on a purely professional level as a writer that if you're going to be paid to do work you should at least do it to a certain minimum standard.

I think this represents a failure of historical imagination so that all periods of history collapse down to a sort of dog's dinner that's essentially indistinguishable from how the present is represented. When this happens the past becomes mute, it teaches us nothing through allegory or contrast it exists only as another flavour of processed mechanically recovered meat. Fit only for dogs.

So yeah - I think it matters. I think as writers we should strive to work above our pay grade(5) not below it.

(1) I still think it's really unlikely that the British authorities would refer to freed slaves that had fought for the Continental Army(2) as 'political prisoners' in an official document.
(2) In exact reversal of what actually happened but given that none of the rest of the script made any sense I suppose that's a moot point.
(3) I really will do just about anything rather than work
(4) Founded 1854!
(5) 'Above your pay grade' comes into use in the 1960s and "pay grade" itself after 1900.

Moon Over Soho - UK Release Soon

2011-03-31T09:00:00.001+01:00

In honour of the upcoming UK release of 'Moon Over Soho' on the 21st of April here is a big scan of the cover.

Live Chat - Today

2011-03-11T17:26:00.003Z

I'm chatting live on Bitten By Books today from 12:00 CST/18:00 GMT any questions may be answered and there's a give-away competition to go with it.

New Blog Policy

2011-03-11T16:01:00.002Z

After fiddling around I have a new blog policy. I shall go back to blogging here but stuff relating directly to the books will also be mirrored at the Folly.

Gibbon Wrangling for Beginners: Part 1

2011-03-11T09:09:00.003Z

Dealing with the Patronage Delusion

It is an unfortunate fact of life that if you embark upon a career in writing that sooner or later you will find yourself dealing with a gibbon(1), sometimes a whole troop of gibbons. This can be a very disorientating experience so I’d thought I’d offer some advice for budding writers.

Because Gibbons are insanely status conscious they frequently see all professional relationships in terms of patronage. Because in the eyes of a gibbon a writer will always have roughly the same status as the cleaning lady this can lead them to exhibit strange behaviour which may cause alarm to the uninitiated.

Gibbons find it very difficult to deal with the fact that they are dependent on lowly writers for their livelihood. The fact that they must rely on talent to develop, produce and finally sell the product causes them a sort of constant low grade psychic pain. Like many people suffering from chronic pain the constant discomfort can lead to irritability, loss of temper and bouts of irrationality. To compensate gibbons frequently seek to recast straightforward professional arrangements as acts of patronage.

In this scenario they see themselves not as, admittedly high paid, media professionals contracting with a fellow professional but as Medici or Saatchi like patrons who have deigned to scatter their largesse on the mendicant writer who perforce must genuflect and kiss the feet of his betters.

Now - when you think you’ve got an agreement amongst equals and they believe that they’ve allowed the beneficent light of their countenance fall upon your unworthy form – it can lead to certain amount of cognitive dissonance. For example:

A SCRIPT DEVELOPING MEETING

YOU: I’ve knocked up a few sample scenes to test the concept I think it would be useful if you had a look to see if you thought I was on the right track.

GIBBON: No! I must not for it is written that in the beginning there shall be the pitch and the pitch shall beget the summary and from the loins of the summery shall come the outline which shall beget the scene breakdown and only then, when each and every one of these has been discussed yea unto the nth degree shall the script be written. So it is written, so shall it be. So say we all.

YOU: Wouldn’t it just be quicker if…

GIBBON: You dare question the wisdom of the ages, down upon your belly worm and beg forgiveness of the almighty commissioning editor before whom you are but a lowly dung beetle.

I think you’ll agree that such an exchange is not conducive to a good working relationship.

Remedy: unfortunately like most the problems associated with a gibbon infestation there is almost certainly no cure(3) but there are strategies that can help ameliorate the most unpleasant symptoms.

Firstly: don’t be an enabler. It’s always tempting to ‘go with the flow’ in the hope of having a quiet life but this would be a mistake. Enabling this kind of delusional behaviour is counterproductive in the long run and not good for the gibbons themselves.

Secondly: be firm. Always be firm and explain your position in clear measured tones. If you see signs that the gibbon has misinterpreted your position remain calm and restate your position again.

Thirdly: never lose your temper. Gibbons are hypersensitive to status and react very negatively to any suggestion that they may have offended or overstepped the bounds. The males in particular are prone to excessive territoriality which can manifest in chest beating, insults and feces hurling. It’s best to just to wait for these episodes to subside and then to continue as if nothing has happened.

Fourthly: do not be afraid to walk away. Ultimately you can do without them but they can’t do without you.

(1) Not real gibbons(2), see previous posts.
(2) Although that would be kind of cool.
(3) Many writers are pushing for a cull(4) but animal rights groups have objected.
(4) Can I reiterate that I’m not talking about real gibbons here.

Beverley Brook Day

2011-02-07T06:00:00.000Z

Midnight Riot: US Launch Tomorrow

2011-01-31T06:00:00.006Z

My novel Midnight Riot is officially released in the US and Canada on the 1st of February 2011 and will be available at all good bookshops(1), online and in many electronic formats.

Midnight Riot: what the critics are saying...

"...fresh and original and a wonderful read. I loved it." - Charlaine Harris

"A hilarious, keenly imagined caper." - Diana Gabaldon

"Filled with detail and imagination, the quality of this achievement stands out...." - Peter F. Hamilton

"A witty and inventive twist to urban fantasy...Wouldn't let go until the last page." - Mario Acevedo

"...sweet relief for readers allergic to cliché." - Locus Magazine

"...the most satisfying fantasy thriller to hit bookshelves in quite some time." - SFX Magazine

"...witty, fun, and full of vivid characters, and the plot twists will keep even seasoned mystery fans guessing." - Publishers Weekly

A round up of links to the online reviews can be found here.

Midnight Riot is published in the UK by Gollancz as Rivers of London and a second book featuring the further adventures of Peter Grant, Moon Over Soho, will be released on both sides of the pond this spring!

(1) And hopefully most of the bad bookshops as well.

Peter Grant Has His Own Blog

2011-01-27T06:47:00.003Z

Peter Grant now has his own blog here which is not bad for a fictional character. On it you will find useful definitions of police slang, exciting information and other... stuff that Peter thinks is clever.

Have Been On Simon Mayo's Book Club

2011-01-24T21:21:00.003Z

It was a lot of fun and quite unnerving and I'm really glad that they didn't tell me I was talking to an estimated 12 million people until it was safely over. Those of you who missed it can catch up on BBC catch up here. Thanks to everyone who asked questions and those that have left me nice messages on twitter and email when I got back.

Book Club Tonight

2011-01-24T06:00:00.001Z

Tonight, six o'clock, you, me and Simon Mayo just chatting about my book - no pressure.

Online Review Round Up: The Mega Remix

2011-01-23T06:57:00.008Z

"I think it is a pretty damn good book." - Book Monkeys

"I loved Midnight Riot" - Noobling Nest

"...strikingly original, exceedingly clever, and at times, pleasingly grim." - Rob Will Review

"...entertaining, clever, innovative and compellingly readable." - Bookface

"...assured, witty and great fun to read." - Floor To Ceiling Books

"Peter Grant is a much more active and likeable protagonist... " - Sophia McDougall

"...a great start to what will hopefully be a long series of adventures." - SFRevu

"...the sights and smells of London just ooze out from between the pages." - Love Vampires

"...an extremely fun experience." - The Book Smugglers

"Aaronovitch has captured that magical essence of London and bottled it so we can get that full undiluted flavour." - Greame's Fantasy Book Review

"...a page-turning, relentlessly entertaining novel which injects some vigour into the urban fantasy subgenre." - The Wertzone

"...the most satisfying fantasy thriller to hit bookshelves in quite some time." - SFX Magazine

"...a fun and fast read." - The Ranting Dragon

"...a superb paranormal fantasy that will charm both genre fans and mystery readers alike." - Grasping For The Wind

"...an easy book to pick up and a near-impossible one to put down." - Pornokitsch

"With vivid characters, a plot that is paced very well and a mixture of humour, darkness and detailed observations of police procedure and of London itself the book is compelling and charming." - Bullshit From A Geek

"...a strong, funny and engaging series opener..." - Total Sci-Fi Online

"...sweet relief for readers allergic to cliché." - Locus Magazine

"...an immersive and extremely funny fantasy that is as believable as it is entertaining. " - The Ultimate Book Guide

Not Much Happening Here

2011-01-22T19:25:00.002Z

I apologise for the sparsity of blogs recently but I'm under orders, from mein publishers, to work on my website and blog in readiness for the US Launch on Feb 1. When they're up and running I shall announce it here and get back to drowning you in the trivia of my life.

Simon Mayo's Book Club

2011-01-19T14:11:00.003Z

I don't know why, and I'm certainly not going to look this gift horse in the mouth, but I will be in the studios of BBC Radio 2 on Monday plugging my book on Simon Mayo's Book Club.

There will be a half hour interview, with musical interludes, after which I will answer questions online. Details are here.

That's Ben Aaronovitch discusses 'Rivers of London' at 1800 on Monday the 24th of January.

They even provided a sample chapter for you here. Although I noticed that they have redacted the swear words.

Signing Tomorrow at Waterstones Covent Garden

2011-01-17T06:00:00.000Z

Tuesday 18th January
12:30-14:30

Waterstones: Covent Garden
9-13 Garrick Street
London WC2E 9BA

Yesterday's Signing

2011-01-16T15:17:00.006Z

I was going to have a blog about my signing yesterday but I can't find the USB cable that connects to my camera :(. Instead you're just going to have to imagine the screaming crowds, the noise and finally the police being called in to kettle the unruly mob that threatened to destroy Forbidden Planet when they ran out of copies of my book.

Signing Tommorrow at Forbidden Planet

2011-01-14T06:00:00.004Z

I shall be signing copies of my new book 'Rivers of London' and any other Ben related merchandise you might want signed, at Forbidden Planet tomorrow at 13:00 (that's 1 PM in old money). Be sure to get their early to avoid disappointment (particularly mine).

Forbidden Planet's London Megastore.
179 Shaftesbury Avenue
London
WC2H 8JR

Broken Kingdoms, Hidden Exposition

2011-01-12T06:00:00.005Z

This is the sequel to N.K. Jemisin's debut novel 'A Hundred Thousand Kingdoms'(1). As in that novel Jemisin displays an uncanny ability to drop in exposition into the narrative in such a subtle way that often one is not aware it's being dropped at all.

Jemisin often does this by giving her exposition an emotional charge; linking it to her main character's childhood or a bereavement. Often she teases you by giving you flashes of information that intrigue or ramp up the suspense so that when the exposition arrives it reads more like show than tell.

It seems that nowhere in the georgeous panopoly of the hundred thousand kingdoms does there dwell a man called Bob. Or if he does live there nobody thinks it worth their while to tell him things that he already knows.

I strongly recomend this book series to anyone who hasn't read it N.K. Jemisin's website can be found here.

(1) I don't do reviews for a number of reasons but I do like to single out aspects of certain books I like if I think they're particularly good examples of craft skills.

Signing at Waterstones: Covent Garden

2011-01-11T06:00:00.001Z

If you miss the signing at Forbidden Planet on the 15th January do not fear for I shall be signing again on the 18th of January from 12:30 to 14:30 at the Covent Garden branch of Waterstones.

Tuesday 18th January
12:30-14:30

Waterstones: Covent Garden
9-13 Garrick Street
London WC2E 9BA

Rivers of London: UK Launch!

2011-01-10T05:00:00.007Z

Today was supposed to be the official UK launch day of my first novel 'Rivers of London'. As it happens the books have been available from Waterstones, Amazon and other booksellers for days now but I had the 10th of January ringed in my diary so I'm going to blog anyway -- so there!

Rivers of London: what the critics are saying...

"...fresh and original and a wonderful read. I loved it." - Charlaine Harris

"A hilarious, keenly imagined caper." - Diana Gabaldon

"Filled with detail and imagination, the quality of this achievement stands out...." - Peter F. Hamilton

"A witty and inventive twist to urban fantasy...Wouldn't let go until the last page." - Mario Acevedo

"...sweet relief for readers allergic to cliché." - Locus Magazine

'Rivers of London' is published by Del Rey as 'Midnight Riot' in North America at the end of January watch this space for updates.

Spoor of the Gibbon: Biggles

2011-01-07T06:00:00.008Z

Gibbons are masters of camouflage and unless you're up close they're difficult to spot. This is hardly surprising since they take great care to disguise themselves and, indeed, in many cases may not even realise their own true nature. One thing they cannot disguise are the odoriferous nuggets they leave behind and by this spoor we shall track them, the better to hunt them down like the vermin they are(1). Sometimes the spoor is subtle but sometimes it is such a steaming pile of celluloid that even the most generous must break down and say - 'Truly this was a piece of shit.'

Biggles: Adventures in Time is just such a turd.

A summery of the source material can be found at Wikipedia and a casual glance reveals that it offers the putative adaptor a wide range of options. You can have straight up war films (in both World Wars no less) or Indiana Jones style adventures between the wars or post war detective dramas.

Rumour has it that the original writing team were aiming for Indiana Jones -- a film series that was proving staggeringly successful at the time.

There was just one last question before the film could be made, the same question faced by all films with a British hero -- how to shoehorn an American character into the plot.

Not really a problem in this case: Americans are plausibly all over the place in this historical period and especially prominent in the later stages of both world wars; they can be old friends or the other half a mismatched buddy team thrown together by fate or the War Office, they could be the love interest or they could be a combination of all of these things. They chose none of these options instead they plumped for a time travel story instead.

I've tried to summarising the plot several times now but the pain is too much if you want to know the details then check the wiki page. You can see the appeal it allows them to drop an American 'ordinary Joe' (from the modern day no less) into the Biggles story. There we can contrast his lovable modern American irreverence and 'can do' attitude with the stiffest of stiff upper lips of the Great War. And to be honest with a bit of effort you could make that work, unfortunately Biggles: Adventures with Gibbons doesn't.

But Ben, I here you cry, what does this have to do with gibbon spotting. It's very simple: the single most distinctive characteristic of the gibbon is their inability to understand story or to differentiate good story material from bad story material. They have a 'tin ear'(2) for story.

What makes the bloody awful 'time twins' plot so bloody, bloody awful is that it shows no understanding of how stories work. Unlike it's direct inspiration 'Back to the Future' the time travel aspect of Biggles has no bearing on the plot whatsoever it's merely a macguffin to get our Ordinary Joe back to the Western Front, the time jumps are arbitrary and unrelated to the dastardly German's secret weapon plot which has the result of sucking all the tension out of both plots.

Now I know, from watching the film, that the actual screen writers were not total incompetents and therefore the problem lies with a gibbon -- probably a producer. When you consider the amount of money, effort and talent that goes into even a modestly budgeted film it becomes clear why gibbons are a menace and must be driven out of the industry before it is too late.

Gibbons: just say no.

(1) Can I make it clear that I'm not talking about real gibbons here.

(2) You can learn how to read stories but it takes a lot of practice that's why most writers have alot of embarrassing crap hidden away in their lower drawers. It's like playing a piano -- you have to practice.

Signing at Forbidden Planet 15th January

2011-01-07T06:00:00.002Z

I will be signing my new book 'Rivers of London' and anything else that comes within reach of my sharpie on Saturday the 15th of January 2011 at one o'clock.

Forbidden Planet
179 Shaftesbury Avenue
London
WC2H 8JR

15th January 2011

Starting at 13:00; be there or be square.

Review Round Up

2011-01-03T16:58:00.012Z

This is just a quick round up of some the online reviews of my book so far. I was planning something a bit more elaborate but the book came out earlier in the UK then I was expecting.

Rivers of London - On Sale Now

2011-01-03T12:06:00.003Z

If you work in a bookshop your aim is to get all the books out of the stockroom on the day their delivered. The only exception to this is if the books are embargoed - selling an embargoed book is a hanging offence. Rivers of London is not embargoed so when large amounts of it turned up at your local Waterstones branch over the weekend they started putting it out on the shelves.

Those of you you want a book that has been recommended by Peter F. Hamilton, Charlaine Harris and Diana Gabaldon, a book that My Family called the best book ever written by anyone ever in the history of time, then get yourself down to your local branch of Waterstones and take the pressure off those hard working booksellers.

Primeval S04E01: Script Report

2011-01-01T22:10:00.007Z

This blog deals with script problems in the latest episode of Primeval but before I get into it I think I should issue a few caveats.

1) This is just a quick assessment based on one casual viewing.

2) Primeval is no worse than a lot of British TV drama, it's just that its got CGI dinosaurs in it so unlike other programmes I don't fast forward through most of it.

3) Without an exhaustive and frankly pointless analysis of every draft of the script it's impossible to say whether the poor script was the result of writer incompetence or down to gibbon interference -- however, my money's on the gibbons.

4) Primeval is a complex production and many of the poor acting, shooting and editing decisions could well be beyond the control of the production team, lost light, failed sfx etc etc. Therefore I'm going to confine myself to the broad structural problems with the script.

5) I'd have done the story differently but for the purpose of this blog I'm going to assume that the basic story elements were dictated by the producers.

6) The Idiot Ball was passed around with such speed that at times I thought I was watching the rugby - far too many instances to go into in this blog.

The script's principal sin is its failure to support its own turning points, particularly the revelation at the end that Abby and Connor lack the military background to do front line field work.

The ARC is not portrayed as militarised in any way, leaving aside the costuming and prop failures, just throwing in a few ranks or some military slang would have helped.

The turning point into the final act is really confused, Abby and Connor arrive back through the anomaly (the script misses the chance to ramp up the tension by having them do it in the nick of time before it's sealed) hug interchangeable action guy, then Connor manages to unseal the anomaly by accident letting in a dinosaur, then there is running around, then the dinosaur eats the anomaly device thingy and vanishes. And then we go back to the ARC to introduce Dr Bashir (Alexander Saddig) and the mini-skirt nerdette and the revelation that they're going to be confined to back room duty.

Connor says that the only thing that was keeping him going in the Cretaceous was the thought of coming back and doing the work but there's no hint of that when we see him in the Cretaceous (he's desperate for frothy coffee instead). Again the turning point is not supported by the rest of the script and so Connor's protestations, despite the best efforts of the actor, lack any resonance.

It's not like it wouldn't have been hard to fix:

Tense action sequence split between Abby and Connor trying to escape through the anomaly and the ARC responding with military efficiency.

Culminating in:

Connor and Abby make it back through the anomaly meet anodyne action guy, hugs, anomaly is plugged (or whatever the spiky gun thing did). Back to...

The ARC: things seem different. Meet Dr Bashir who is (sinisterly) interested in future tech device. Revelation that the woman from the last series has died off screen(1). We have other little character options here, Anderson (the replacement maverick character) could have been unimpressed by Connor (still recovering) or funny little moments as Abby and Connor get used to the 21st Century again.

Then we ramp up the tension. Anomaly begins to unseal (or whatever), battle stations as the ARC scrambles again but Connor and Abby are left behind. Connor wants to seal the anomaly with the future tecbno thingy but Dr Bashir resists (he wants it for his multinational of evil) .

So Connor and Abby steal the device, confrontation in the arena, S-club 7, etc.

Back to the ARC to find that they are still demoted to back room jobs (particularly since they lost the future time device thingy).

The End.

That's a better structure which I knocked up in ten minutes, it's not the only solution -- any half competent screen writer could have come up with their own in a similar period of time. Since I know that the producers have access to, and the wherewithal to pay for, competent screen writers one has to ask...

Why was this script so poor?

(1) Instead of that terrible 'as you know bob' scene in the corridor. I swear that even George Lucas couldn't have written any thing that bad.